Given the book's subject matter, it's only fitting that Stephen Bett's Re-positioning: serial soft-core satire is dedicated to his wife Pamela. The keys to interchanging positions within the book are the caloric expenditure accounts, off-wall equipment, and accompanying line drawing descriptions. Variables like ratings and optional/coital costumes are inserted throughout, lending a certain amount of Speakeasy comedic flair to the poems. In order to better understand each position, I employed the symbolic services of crude stick figures in the margins, and looked closely at the gender-based differences in calories after each illustrative demonstration of sexual prowess.
Position 1: Baryshnikov's Best Score
Line drawing: naked male standing 'tall', holds naked woman horizon-
tally off the floor, facing him at his lower-waist (whereby: 'connection');
his one arm grasps her upper thigh, the other her behind, pulls her 'into'
him
Caloric Expenditure: Him 100.6
Her 96
Equipment (Optional): Leotard
Ratings: .....Below Average .....Average .....Above Average
.....Whoa!
Position one,
the balletic twist
Whipped her up just
fine thanks
just fine
fine
Hangin' on
Through further study, I found that the more the sticks' appendages were spread or stretched, the more calories they burned.
Position 2: The Monkey See Monkey Do
Line drawing: male, hands on pull-up bar, above head, across doorway;
female, leaning backwards into him, butt on his thighs, feet on stool
Calories: Him 134.4
Her 54
Equipment: Pull-up bar, Stool, Hand-Powder
Optional: Gorilla costume
Finally, somethin' dumb-belly co-ed
to show "juice monkeys"
at my local gym
Good "burns" too- arms, shoulders, pecs,
quads, glutes, hams, calves
(female: core, legs)
Ape rides tail
she sits shotgun
Happening upon an online chart of Dr. Weider's 2006 study on the subject, it seems that when a doorway or doorframe becomes part of the equipment list in these pages, there is a mutually gender-beneficial burn. For a moment, I pondered whether:
'I should install my own pull-up bar in room #2... or take advantage of the sturdy/turquoise door frame in room C...'
Position 3: The Frame-Up Job
Line drawing: male's upper body back to doorframe, feet against opposite
frame, facing female; she straddles him, face & hands on doorframe.
Calories: Him 66
Her 75.6
Equipment: Doorframe
Optional: Leather Paddle, Nose Guard
Hazard: Broken Nose
Relax wedge man, she does
all the work,
bouncy bounce
calorie burn
Bounce & burn,
aerobic ahhh
By the time I had reached Position 6: Dr. Scholl's Day Off, the inclination for heavy-duty repair/installation work had long passed. I was now faced with the positions of the short and tall: the meek depictions (which expend less energy and require more force) grew into an illicit, supin scenario- involving the world's shortest known woman, Jyoti Amge, and the world's tallest man, Sultan Kosen.
