Now don't worry, I am fully aware of the situation in the Middle East, and there are words coming on Syria post-haste. However, before this news story got buried, I wanted to shine some light on it and expose something you may not have read about in the past few weeks. As you can see, this is something I'm fairly passionate about, and I responded to the situation with what I feel was the appropriate amount of fire and cheek. Please take a seat and enjoy this editorial concerning the state of Virginia and her current Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli. I present to you
A few months ago I made a few jokes at the expense of gun owners and enthusiasts. They were crying about people trying to take their guns when no serious threat actually existed. I ended up saying something along the lines of "I'm a blowjob enthusiast, but you don't hear me screaming that shit from the rooftops. Enjoy what you enjoy, just don't expect other people to care."
Someone brought it to my attention that I might feel differently if someone was trying to take blowjobs away. I laughed at the idea...But now in the commonwealth of Virginia, Ken Cuccinelli has become utterly obsessed with keeping the sodomy laws on the books.
For those of you who don't know, the legal definition of sodomy is anything other than male-female vaginal sex. That means no oral in any form and CERTAINLY no anal. What the Hell kind of world do these people want to live in with no oral sex and not even a hint of ass-play? Cuccinelli has already proved himself to be a total nutjob by crusading against global warming research, abortion clinics, and healthcare in general. But this...this was the sexless, puritan straw that broke the camel's back. The filthy, dickless rat has stepped over a line that is too close to my heart to let pass without comment. His potential Lieutenant Governor has already claimed that Yoga and other meditations can lead to Satanism and possession by demons, and now the man himself wants to ban blowjobs, buggery and cunnilingus as "Crimes Against Nature".
Married individuals who are in the privacy of their own homes trying to enjoy the pleasures of oral and anal sex are considered criminals under this law, and will continue to be classified this way if it stays on the books. Virginia doesn't have as horrifying a history with sodomy laws as say, Georgia, but the very idea of it is enough to send chills up the spine of any sexual deviant or enthusiast. I for one suggest that if Ken Cuccinelli actually owns a penis, he should at least try receiving a blowjob before he continues with his crusade to limit sex to the penis-through-the-pajama-slit missionary style. If the man actually has sex, I would probably break down in uncontrollable sobs at his exploits. I for one am a proponent of sexual exploration: a self-proclaimed sodomite. I now feel the pain of these gun owners who are in constant fear of men in SWAT gear kicking down a door and stopping them from enjoying the thing they love most. We're both going to be stopped from firing our payloads eventually, and that is just unacceptable. I will say, in my defense, that no one has ever been sucked or licked to death...
The most ridiculous thing of all is that the argument Cuccinelli uses against The Affordable Care Act (better known as Obamacare) is that "big government" is getting too involved in the personal lives of the American people. Talk about irony. It's like the far right wing of the Republican Party is putting on some awful farce that Voltaire, Oscar Wilde and O. Henry have penned from beyond the grave. This isn't fluff either, it's not like sodomy is a misdemeanor and you get thrown in the bugger-tank for a weekend. It's a goddamned felony to perform cunnilingus on a woman in the commonwealth of Virginia. After being stationed there in the Navy for around two years, I can proudly say that I am an unrepentant outlaw.
To give this a real life context, I'll provide you with a story. William MacDonald, a 47 year old Virginia man, was thrown in jail and registered as a sex offender for receiving oral sex from a 17 year old girl. Just a blowjob. No actual sex went down in this exchange. According to the law, 15 is the age of consent in Virginia, and since there was no sex had between the two, the charge of statutory rape had to be thrown out. However, because no sexual act can go unpunished in some parts of the country, a secondary attack was launched, and in a desperate attempt to incarcerate a man for getting a blowjob, the bastards drummed up a sodomy charge and sent William MacDonald up the river for a year. Federal Prison. As stated before, he is now a registered sex offender.
I really don't have to mention that states can't regulate consensual sex between adults. I don't have to cite the landmark Lawrence v. Texas case from 2003. Because it is so ri-goddamn-diculous that anyone would even pursue something like this, let alone make it their white whale obsession like Ken Cuccinelli has. He and his Uncle Ruckus-like flunky E.W. Jackson are dickless and incompetent stooges. Groveling sycophants to the Conservative machine, and they make their entire party look like slovenly troglodytes with their archaic and downright stupid positions and statements.
As an American, I want to weep for the future of this nation if it is being left in the hands of fools and virgins such as these. But as an adamant Sodomite, I burn with all the very potent rage of 3 NRA's and every backhanded liberal against GMO's and vaccines.
There is no room for limp dicks on the road to progress. Out of the way, Ken.
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