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The New Rites

Do you think he got those rock of ages abs by hanging on that cross?
He was a strapping young carpenter hauling lumber and hammering away,
and his holiness used the abdominizer.
The sacrificial lamb was the original Suzanne Sommers.
And for just $39.95 you too can have the abs of Christ.
Together you and I are going to drop-kick Satan into the next century.
Armed with our abdominizers and our holy bibles
we will fight in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
We will be God's pro-wrestlers, 
with ripped stomachs we will fight for his kingdom,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven!
We all have our crosses to bear,
though in the age of plastic who needs to worry about those annoying splinters,
certainly not Christ's followers.
No, for us, the obedient sheep who offer our services
willingly for God's grace,
it's as simple as using the abdominizer.
Yes, forget uttering those Hail Mary's on bended knee,
and pick up the abdominizer for $39.95;
you can be God's pro-wrestler too.

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