Saddam Hussein is a Mean Deceitful Bastard and a Thief and He Stole My Earring
I cannot find my peace symbol earring--
the one I wear with anarchy on the other side
I have ransacked the house
almost as badly as the cops did
when they arrested my boyfriend
for possession with intent to sell
they slashed the mattresses
looking for powder or paraphernalia
but they didn't look in the cabinet
where he had clearly labeled a large box
with the word "HEROIN" in careful block letters
next to a smaller container marked "WORKS, individually wrapped"
he was what was known as a high class dealer
teaching the beginners the best ways to protect their veins
helping the old guys -- who were rarely older than 30 -- find a place to shoot
despite years of abuse
he'd even do it for them
(he would have made an excellent phlebotomist)
even in the groin
all the while educating them on the risk of AIDS
he sold death but wanted to keep his customers undead
protecting his income stream
anyway he was the one who gave me the anarchy earring
which boyfriend after boyfriend I never lose
but the peace symbol I can never find
I bought it myself
to counteract anarchy
so it is not as precious, reminding me of no one
but me
and who cares about me?
but someone has taken it this time
I can feel in my bones
I think Saddam took it
he hates peace
I heard the president say so on TV
the president is a man of peace like Ariel Sharon
but Saddam is an evil, warmongering ball of slime
even Colin Powell hates him, and he likes everyone
only Saddam would be mean enough to steal my earring
right before my important meeting
they might lock me up if they see me wearing only anarchy
they might think my mind has no laws
and is careening around like the particles
in the first three minutes after the big bang
or like blood in a cement mixer
due to a misplaced arm in the machinery
and then I'd end up in the bin forever
sucking Haldolled juice out of a straw
after they beat me so bad they'd have to wire my jaw
or maybe they'd think I was sending a message to my confederates
(in grey uniforms all singing "Dixie")
the members of my Al-Qaeda cell
in which I plot to destroy the American way of life
but it is all a setup
Saddam's agents took my earring
they have people all over the world
they are in league with terrorists
they hate us because we are freedom-loving and god-fearing
they worship a false god
but we respect their religion
Islam is a religion of peace
we have nothing at all against Islam
it's just that all of its practitioners are cruel awful terrorists
who deserve to be exterminated
these evil people
climbed my fire escape
opened my window with a special silent method
taught in terrorist training camps in Afghanistan
they opened my dresser drawer
after spraying me with soporific gas
so I wouldn't wake up and see them
and sifted through my jewelry
looking for offensive items
the peace symbol stood for everything they despised
so they took it and made their exit
after cleaning everything up
and repairing the window
and spraying me with an antidote
they will bring the earring to Saddam
and he will wear it on his crossdressing days
or when he feels like wearing an earring on his left ear
to express the inner homosexual persona
which lives inside every het male
especially dictators and Arabs
who like to wear dresses and flowers in their hair
like poofs
anyhow
I hope president Bush moves forward with his war very soon
because I am eager to retrieve my earring
and I understand that American troops are expressly forbidden from any kind of looting
so I expect to be able to retrieve the earring when the presidential palaces are conquered
at least as soon as the booty has been inventoried
and appraised
I will be able to afford to repurchase my earring
if I am unable to prove prior ownership
because although it was said to be pure 18 carat gold
I got it for three dollars on Bleeker street
and it is hollow and the gold paint is wearing thin
I hope to be able to use these characteristics
to distinguish it from any other peace symbol earring
Saddam's men might have stolen
all over the free world
so please, George, attack the bastards right away
I have nothing to wear with my green suit
which I need to attend my commitment hearing
and George--
please send the earring to Bellevue
rather than to my apartment
as I am staying here for a while
to avoid the mess at home
of course I don't have the anarchy earring either
the ambulance guy wouldn't let me bring it
so can you tell the secret service to stop by my place and pick it up
when they come to bring the other earring?
my hearing is two weeks from Tuesday
I hope that gives you folks long enough to win the war
yours sincerely,
Joan Fitzgerald
seal your lips with duct tape
put plastic sheeting over your dreams
do not talk to men in turbans
instead seek the nearest law enforcement agent
virus check your words
beware of accents
wear a gas mask to the park
don’t go near water
eschew all travel to hot places
don’t eat snow
vacuum the insides of envelopes
never step on a sidewalk crack
always carry mace
broken mirrors bring bad luck
never attend public meetings
put a webcam in your mailbox
handle library books with rubber gloves
do not play with matches
call the bomb squad if the neighbors put their trash out early
avoid parked cars
knock on wood daily
recite the pledge of allegiance in your sleep
always sing in church
cross the street when strangers come
buy powdered milk
stock up on paper clips
have a supply of batteries
to power your remote control
never mute the president
don’t make noise during sex
throw salt over your shoulder
carry a gun
don’t be nice to immigrants
report all contact
never go out without an undershirt
keep your fly zipped at all times
paranoia is your friend
loose lips sink ships
the enemy could be your mother or lover
never trust your feelings
if you follow this advice
you will be perfectly safe
today is code orange
let the government take care of you
there is no need to be alarmed
Millie Niss is a poet and web artist with publications on bannerart.org, Beehive, Rhizomes/hyperrhiz, erasures.net, trAce/frAme, sidereality.com, wordcircuits.com, and others. A still image of one of her Flash movies appears in the recent "Internet Art" book in the Thames & Hudson World of Art series. Millie will be presenting a workshop on "Sound Poetry in Flash" at trAce's Incubation3 symposium this summer.