I don’t remember where I met her or what she was wearing or the color of her eyes or anything I said to her or anything she said to me. One day she was just in my bed. That’s the way it is most of the time. Women show up in the nick of time, just when I’m about to blow my brains out all over the bathroom tile or start thinking too much about all the things in my life that went wrong. There’s one girl or another somehow suddenly right in front of me, her mouth moving & the smile penetrating me, treating my wounds, healing me, softening this calloused flesh armor stretched over my heart, healing me w/hips & legs & waist & breasts & soft skin & nice smelling. Hey listen man if you don’t know by now that a woman in your bed solves all your problems at once, cures all your ills, well then what DO you know. & SO WHAT if she’s crazy. SO WHAT if come morning she’s gone & all that shit is right back in your head. SO WHAT if you’re getting kicked in the stomach again by the big boot of America. It was worth it. Just for a little peace & pussy & comfort & the real deal is that precious little thing between her legs brought you a little closer to God. Just a little closer to understanding the universe. This is all I know & all I understand & I swear THIS to whatever God there is or isn’t: a woman can make a difference, brother, a woman can save your life.
You’re trembling, she says.
I’m scared of you, I tell her. I’m scared this won’t work out & I’m scared it will. I’m scared you’ll never leave. I’m scared you’ll leave the first chance you get.
It’s alright, she tells me over & over. She bites my neck. Breathes in my ear. Slides along my body. I smell her ripe between her thighs, take it deep into my nostrils. The night slips into the Unconscious World & we slip in w/it. Everything is suddenly warm, blurry, strange, sleepy. One skin stretches over us.
So what’s your name.
Summer.
How did you get here.
Her eyes are blank, hollow, dark circles giving her up, throwing her at my feet for mercy. I seek mercy too. She’s got short red hair. Thin arms. Long thin fingers she wraps around me, holds on to it. Crawls into a ball. & when I climb into those dark frightened eyes of hers, before I can settle in for the duration there she is climbing into mine. Just as fucking scared as I am. So much in common, man & woman. So much more than we think. We’re all the same. All we want is the skin to win us over. All we want is to feel good just a little more often than we feel bad.
Come morning the sun squeaks up a flagpole. She’s tucked inside my arms. Breathing. Breathing. Her whole face is soft, pleasing to my lips. I kiss her gently over & over. She opens her big eyes & smiles at me & says, You look just like my father.
Light a cigaret, hand it to her, sit in bed, say, That’s not exactly a compliment & a little disturbing. Please don’t tell me your daddy was some kind of sick fuck would go into your bedroom at night.
No he was alright. Worked all the time on the highway. Died young. Doesn’t matter. My mother told me she never loved him. Pretty fucked up thing to tell a little girl the day her daddy dies don’t you think. Oh well okay all it means when this is all over is she was as fucked up as everybody else who ever lived. All it means is she had no right having kids but did anyway.
You been w/a lot a guys haven’t you, I say.
I guess. She shrugs. I like to fuck.
You got here pretty easily last night is all I’m saying. Makes me wonder if I had anything to do w/it or it could a been anybody.
What do you care. All you want from me is someplace warm & wet to put yourself.
Maybe I care.
Nothing matters except what’s between our legs, she says.
It was so much better before we started talking to each other.
The QUEEN BEE, she says. Kills her mate soon as she’s done w/him.
I have to go, I tell her.
Where are you going, she panics. I was only kidding.
I have to go find a dead body. My little brother he uh, I say & pull on pants socks shoes from edge of bed. Stand & look at her. Are you gonna be here when I get back.
Depends when you’re coming back.
Yeah ok whatever. There’s pizza in the fridge from a couple of days ago & cigarets on the kitchen table. Just don’t burn the place down alright. The rent’s paid thru next month & I got nowhere else to go.
Time moves slowest when you’re going somewhere you don’t want to go. Like the dentist & the sound of those drills & that horrible antiseptic smell of the novocain drifting out to the waiting room. Yeah like the dentist. Like embalming fluid. Or old blood at a murder scene.
