At first Jode thinks his eyes are deceiving him. But no. It is definitely up. Sitting upright like a stone dog statue. He racks his brains. Had there been anybody in the flat recently who could be held responsible? Had they shared something to eat? a Chinese take-away? a fish supper? a home cooked meal? No, he would of remembered. Surely. He panics and frantically zooms round checking if all his moneys and valuables are where they should be. They are. He sits down in a lather of perspiration. Too perplexed to concentrate properly. Time to take stock and reflect on the situation. Light a cigarette. That usually helps. Come on think man, think. Suddenly his brow stretches tight and he slams his fist into a sweaty palm. That was it. Not all burglars were neds who kicked your door in and smashed the locks. No there was a far more sophisticated and dangerous breed doing the rounds these days. That was it. That was what had happened. A professional had let himself in with a set of skeleton keys, done the deed and disappeared into the night without leaving a trace. He grins, satisfied, stands up and clicks the pouring spout on the Saxa salt bottle shut.
He stands at the bus stop unable to look away. There isn’t much in it he has to admit but it is definitely squint. At first he had thought it was the whole sign that was askew. But no. It was only the last letter. How could that happen with a neon sign? Not that he knows much about these things but he presumes it should be a fixed unit. Obviously not. He takes it on himself to investigate further. Jode is no expert of course but it doesn’t take him long to identify the problem. As he suspected the word ‘take away’ is written in a handwriting fashion with a continuous bulb containing the charged-up gas neon. The problem is, he successfully diagnoses, is that one of the bolts on the grid of the letter y has come loose so the whole feature is under tremendous pressure with the bulb taking the strain without support. He notices that the bolt is still in place, just loose, so the whole shebang can be easily rectified. However, he reckons there is no time to lose. He enters the shop.
The two Turkish guys are cousins and although the shop is empty they are both busy. Busy doing what kebab house guys are always doing - arranging salad, roasting meat, sweating, shouting and sharpening vicious looking weaponry.
Jode - do you know about the sign? Fat Turk - huh? Jode- do you know about the sign? Fat Turk - Whatja wan mister? Jode - I’m here to tell you about the sign. Fat Turk [confused] - wanna kebab? pizza? what? Jode - no, I just came in to tell you about the sign. Thin Turk - [in Turkish] He`s a nut he`s asking us if we’ve seen a sign. Fat Turk- [Turkish again] Fucking Christians and they`ve got the fucking cheek to call us crazy. If he doesn`t fuck off I`m gonna chop into his head with this [picks up one of the largest knifes]. Thin Turk - better go mister, he`s a psycho! Jode- [confused] but if it’s not fixed, if the sign isn’t seen to, that’ll be the end. No more light! Fat Turk- [shouting and waving knife] NO MORE HEAD MISTER NO MORE FUCKING HEAD [makes to lift up counter-flap].
Jode exits the shop [quickly].
He knows that he is close to success. Problem is, is that he can only work with one hand. He needs the other to hold on. If only the chain wasn`t wrapped round so tight [must have been big boys] and being suspended upside down presented difficulties he`d failed to foresee - disorientation taking first place. He sticks his finger into one of the chain links reckoning this will be the most effective strategy. A loud shriek pierces the air causing Jode to panic, he loses his grip and falls ten feet to the ground, lands on his back and leaves the tip of his finger up above plugging the rusty gap.
First Old Lady- eeeeeeh! sorry, sorry love, we came round the corner... you just gave me such a fright ....I never expec....I mean....thought you were trying to hang yourself or... something... are you OK? Jode- uuuuurgh Second Old Lady- he was, I bet he was, he`s a suicide, that’s for sure, look he`s wearing a tweed tie, that`s how brother Hugh done it, remember, tied one end round his neck, the other round the pavilion banister and jumped..... never even broke his neck...throttled himself good and proper... face all blue and that obscenity bulging out his trouser front... disgrace. Jode- aaaaaargh. First Old Lady- oh but I think I disturbed him.... he`s bleeding... its my fault. Second Old Lady- nonsense, you disturbed him all right but the only thing you`re guilty of is saving his life.....and his family from years of anger, misguided grief and SHAME. Jode- eeehhaaeeeeeehargh Second Old Lady- c`mon Agnes just leave him...don`t think he`ll be trying that again for a while.. he`ll think twice.. serves him right... he`s lucky.. no one had the grace to disturb brother Hugh....probably Irish.
The two old ladies wander through the park, heading down to the canal, continuing their afternoon stroll. Jode, winded, gasps for air wishing that some merciful soul would take this terrible pain away from his hand.
The catfish are sharks, at least that`s what the kids are calling them. Understandable. But not correct, although they do sort of give that impression... never mind he sees the direction sign - ‘Butterfly & Moth Display This Way.’ Jode makes his way through the fake marble `til he reaches his ...well what does he reach? ...dead moths & butterflies. They are perfect, or at least in symmetry, if you could fold one in two ...it would be the perfect match but they are all encased in glass. Jode tries to open one with his blood-stained towel.
Security Guard- what the fuck d`ya think your on! Jode- they`re beautiful.... perfect symmetry. Security Guard- yeah and they`re gonna stay that way, you’re dripping blood all over the display case you fool. Jode- sorry. Security Guard - you’re in some state lad, think you better get that seen to... don’t you? This way, I`ll try and help you out just now, there`s a first aid kit in my office. Jesus Christ man you`ll have to go to a hospital with that, the whole top of your finger is missing. You no you’re not right. Jode- what about? Security Guard- well I don’t mean just in the head, although God knows, I’m talking about the symmetry you were on about, it doesn`t exist in nature....like if you were to take one half of your face, reverse it and merge the two halves you wouldn`t recognise yourself, you’d look like a freak, mind you in your case!
Jode is glad the man from the museum has stopped the flow of blood and has replaced his towel with a fat bandage. His pain is still intense but it’s being transcended by an incredible hunger. He realises he hasn’t eaten. Not today.
Jode notices the small pieces of cork floating in his wine. He complains to the skinny effeminate waiter, who apologises but Jode can detect the insincerity present in his tone. This angers him. He requests to see the manager. And is kept waiting a very long time. At least he thinks it is.
Manager- sorry bout that sir I was very busy, how can I help you? I believe your wine was corked. Jode- yes it was but that’s understandable...I mean it happens...but I don’t expect to be treated discourteously when I complain. Its rude. Waiter- but I apologised that’s all! Manager- is this true? Jode- yes but.....but. Manager- look sir we will give you a complementary bottle of wine and I will add my personal apologies to the unfortunate incident will that satisfy you? Jode- OK. But look there`s no salt & pepper on that table over there. Manager- thank you for pointing that out sir. We will rectify that situation immediately.
Not for the first time that day Jode can’t believe his eyes. But there it is; a juicy plump caterpillar on his lettuce leaf. He bellows out an almighty roar and launches his table skywards with his thick forearms. The burly chef has to lend a hand in the attempt to eject Jode from the premises [the manager and waiters are lightweights] and with his help the mission is accomplished.
Sitting opposite him are a mother and her young daughter. Jode looks down and shudders with horror as he notices the girl’s shoelace is undone, this is not only incorrect but downright dangerous. He informs the mother of the situation and bends down to rectify it. The mother stops him and smiles kindly explaining that the child is perfectly capable of doing it for herself.
BUT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE OTTOMAN ASSASSIN WANTED TO CUT OFF MY HEAD I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP I TRIED TO FREE THE CHILD’S SWING IN THE PARK AND THE SENIOR CITIZENS AMPUTATED MY FINGER THE MAN IN THE MUSEUM TOLD ME MY FACE WAS DEFORMED I WAS EJECTED FROM THE RESTAURANT FOR COMPLAINING ABOUT THEIR CRUDE ATTEMPTS AT POISONING THE INNOCENT BUT WORST OF ALL THERE WAS SOMEONE IN MY HOUSE THEY CAME IN WITH THE SKELETONS AND LEFT MY SPOUT STICKING UP IN THE AIR.
Jode gets up and makes his way to the train exit door. The mother holds her trembling tearful child closer with one hand and starts punching out numbers on her mobile phone with the other.
He slumps himself down against the platform wall, hangs his head so that the streaming tears fall easily off his face where they mix with the dripping blood from his leaky bandage, forming little irregular pink pools on the cracked and crumbling concrete.
Regarding his picture, Chaz Skinner assures us that his mother loved him.