Too frequently in my relationship with Dr. Joan I didn't know if I was coming or going. She had me totally confused about the nature of my feelings toward her. And the word "love" simply didn't often spring to mind, as it always did when I first encountered Elizabeth. So many of my interactions with Dr. Joan reminded me of how I used to feel as a suit in Corporate America. All those long, long days of labor that left me exhausted, and unsatisfied, and angry at myself for remaining in a job that was so obviously wrong for me. This woman keeps probing, quizzing me. It's like I'm sitting in a hard chair, a blinding light in my face, and being hit by a barrage of questions from an agent from the KGB. Confess! Or die!
"Tell me, James, why do you keep looking for commitment? You're starting to sound like a broken record."
I replied--cleverly, I thought--that she might look at my campaign as being like symphonic music. "There's lots and lots of repetition and recapitulation of themes and phrases. It's what makes music powerful."
She brightened immediately. "Oh, yes!" she said. "I remember in high school how surprised I was when a teacher made me look carefully at Beethoven's fifth. I suddenly realized the entire opening of the first movement is repeated, note for note, when for the longest time I'd thought it was all one fluid thing!"
"See?" I said with not a small touch of smugness. "Sometimes there's a good reason for repetition!"
"For you it's an intellectual thing, isn't it?" she said. "Have you ever wondered why such mental gymnastics are so important to you?"
"You have to admit it's a great defense. It keeps people at a distance, where they belong."
"Well, that won't work for me," she said sweetly. "Even if you want it to."
Was that a positive? Or a negative? Only God knows.
Later she asked me if I remember my dreams, and I said, yes, I do. She wanted to know what I dreamed the night before. I said I wasn't sure if I should tell her. She said, come on, spill the beans, Jimmy.
"Your long-lost lover has returned unexpectedly," I said. "So I confront you. I say I can't be with you if he's back in your life. Then the dream changes. I am in my truck, on my way to an important appointment, but am stuck in a traffic jam. I look ahead but can't see what's causing it. I'm frustrated, and angry, and anxious."
She thought for a while. "It's interesting that what's in your subconscious is so congruent with what's in your conscious."
Hmmmm. How in hell did she know what was churning around in my subconscious? Was she that good a shrink? Move over, Dr. Freud, Dr. Jung, Dr. Erickson. The amazing Dr. Joan is about to join the pantheon!
"I don't know where we'll end!" she kept saying. "So we'll just go on as we have, and from time to time we can decide whether to continue on this particular path."
"I haven't yet felt any urge to stop my pursuit of you," I said.
Which was not exactly the truth. I was starting to have my own second thoughts, but I just couldn't come out and tell her I was. I rather felt compelled to merely counter her maddening distancing. I wonder how I would have reacted if she suddenly started pursuing me with the same zeal I was pursuing her?
"Maybe all this is practice for something better down the road," she said.
"Yes, and we can work to make this relationship better. As long as we continue to communicate."
She paused. "It's not what I meant."
"So what did you mean?"
"We don't know what will happen a year from now. You might meet Sally and I might turn out to have been great practice for Sally. We don't know. And my great need at the moment is to stay within that particular frame."
"If that makes you happy," I finally said, somewhat deflated, "you may continue to believe it."
She didn't pick up my sudden change of mood. She was upbeat. Blind to my sadness. "This keeps my feet on the ground," she bubbled. "It's the happy part, it's keeping me able to say the things I'm saying."
"Good."
She gave me a long, thoughtful look. "James, I'm not in love with you."
"And I am not in love with you, either."
"At least we're being honest."
"This romance is moving right along, isn't it?"
She smiled.
