When they told me not to hold your hand
I unlaced my fingers from yours like
lacings from a shoe
When they told me not to look at you
I closed my eyes and saw bright black holes
stars in reverse
When they told me not to kiss you
I sewed my lips up with needle and thread
I put doll parts between my legs
and that ache you found in me
was lost
And then I was silent
and they still raged on
they danced their
ring-around-the-rosy
like true girls in men's clothing
their hate falling down around you
like leaves
But I could not touch you then
for I had cut off my hands
but somehow I gnashed my teeth together
gum to tongue to tooth
and I sawed my stitches open
And if they say never to me again
if they tell me no
I'll bite their eyelids bruised
I'll scream until their eardrums numb
I'll love you until my limbs grow back
and my bones fill out
the marrow burning red
and they'll wish they had just let me love you.
I ride the subway to and from school
I giggle with my girlfriends
Covering my mouth with my left hand
We fix our droopy socks
In between home room
A thin line of glue at the knee
Our L.A.M.B. bags littered with lip gloss
I blush over Orlando Bloom
I buy almond flavored Pocky at the movies
I fall into other worlds
Where their English isn't as stilted as mine
My professors always cutting off my words
Like my father telling me to marry into
A respectable family
I wonder now why they kept me
But the East is looking to the West
And girls are worth keeping now
Before we were a threat to our family's stability
Another item to barter away
But now we are a new commodity
In Gwen Stefani music videos and Tarantino films
Japanese schoolgirls look the part of cute sensuality
that Britney Spears never quite had
I was looking in the mirror the other day
And I suddenly realized
I might have been a Geisha in another time
Always selling the goodness inside me
For the good of myself
Instead I pass the time
And vending machines of coffee and underwear
And make my way to and from school
Trying to make myself into my own dream
Giggling
Without abandon
With teeth in full glow
Rachel Cathleen Stewart just recieved her B.A. in English with a concentration in Creative Writing from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. She plans to pursue an M.A. in English in the near future. She has also been published in Slow Trains Literary Review.