"Well, Ben, you know that murder is almost unheard of in Gardenland. Can you tell us, then, why you found it necessary to push Lee?"
"Who?" The hateful name was already slipping out of his mind, nothing was left there again but Nan; and the less he saw of her – not because they were forcibly kept apart, but because she was staying away from him by her own choice – the more he craved for her, his ache pressing in his head like million years of geological layers.
"You pushed him off the cliff," one of his five interrogators added in a soft, throaty voice. Ben shuddered, that much the voice sounded like Nan's, and he raised his heavy-lidded eyes to look at her.
She was the youngest of the five – about his own age – and nothing like Nan, being much more handsome, tall and graceful, her head covered with a mass of copper curly hair, her eyes deep gray and her nose straight. Still, in spite of the seriousness shown in her eyes, a faint, sympathetic smile hovered on her finely curved lips, and he was not sure whether she was laughing at him or showing him favor. Her name, he remembered, was Ada, but he knew nothing else about her.
"Off the cliff?" he asked, hesitantly.
"You did, didn't you?" asked a short, dark, heavily built man whose voice was as low a bass as could be imagined.
"I don't know," Ben said, frankly, not trying to defend himself, just wondering; "I don't remember."
All he knew and remembered was, that from the first moment he had met That Man he wanted to push him, that pestering poet, off a cliff and out of his life. There was no question about it, because That Man – barely a man at that, a mere youngster in age, appearance and behavior – had caused Nan to change so much, he hardly knew how to talk to her any more, and they had been friends and lovers since childhood!
***
"Ben," Lilit spoke now, in her low, vibrating voice which could be heard at a great distance even when close to a whisper, and which could penetrate your heart like a knife through butter. Lilit, who was a public figure known to anyone in Gardenland, was a dark, tiny woman with black, slanting eyes and an ageless smooth skin. And she was a member of the High Council.
"Ben," she said, as if answering his innermost thoughts, "how long have you known Nan?"
Nan... she had been the axis of his life for so many years... "We were children..." he murmured.
"But not exactly together? You did not belong to the same Peer group, did you?"
"She was a year younger than me. We became friends the first year she started school."
"And you loved her?"
"I was attracted to her, straight away. She was not pretty, you understand," he explained seriously; "she was of medium size and heavy-looking; but her brown eyes were warm, laughing, and she was so light on her feet and so lithe in body and soul – belying her looks! She was like a ball of fire, and the fire was never extinguished until That Man..."
"Did you make love then?"
"Not until we were half-grown. We had become good friends at first, had some interests in common – long hikes and the outdoor life; she would make me play truant from school... When I was ten – at the age of nine she had already had some experience with older boys – and when I was ten, she approached me; Nan always took the initiative... You see, she knew how much I loved her, how much I would love her, always..."
"But what happened when you finished school, when you separated from your respective Peer groups and joined the crowd at the Youth Hall – did you continue your attachment?"
"When I left school at sixteen and came to the Youth Hall, I joined a firm for developing and testing Alpine equipment as an apprentice; and when Nan came over a year later, she continued her studies in geology. While she was still a student, and after she graduated, we had many occasions to take trips together, to try out new equipment. We did not spend much time together otherwise, but we never actually broke up; there has never been anyone else..."
"For you. But for her?"
Ben turned a hard look on Lilit. She was a very old woman, he knew; so old nobody knew her age for sure. With slight trepidation he felt now he was defying her enormous personal authority.
"Nan was free to enjoy herself," he protested; "she had many lovers and it never bothered me. I know that no exclusive couples can exist in Gardenland, so don't try to trap me!" His last words were almost a shout.
"But what about you, Ben?" asked another man, whose tall, stooping form emanated calm and sympathy; "could you have her attention any time you wanted it?"
Ben turned to him eagerly. "She never begrudged me, she was always there for me whenever I felt the need for her; and I never interfered with her relations with other people... She never had any exclusives in her life," his face clouded, "until That Man came along!"
"Lee? You can't even pronounce his name, can you?" asked the high, clear voice of a woman, whose maternal appearance was belied by the bright, sharp look in her light–colored eyes and the brisk movements of her limbs.
"What business did he have...!"
"To butt in?" she asked when his words wavered.
"To read poetry to her!"
"What's wrong in reading poetry?" she wanted to know.
"She used to be such a physical person! She had never been interested in anything the least spiritual!"
"And Lee discovered, or awakened, something in her that none other had ever seen or been interested in – that was his crime, wasn't it?"
Ben did not answer. He felt confused, had developed a headache, the scene before him blurred. Somebody handed him a glass of cool water, which he drank lustily, as if it was Nan's hot lips. Suddenly, he saw her before his eyes, throwing her head back, laughing. Will she ever laugh like that again? he thought, and his heart melted. For the first time in his life he wanted to die. But he wanted to die in her arms, to be buried in her body.
***
"Didn't Nan ever want to join a family of five parents, to make love in a group, to give birth to children?" Lilit's vibrating voice penetrated the fog in his mind.
"It's funny you ask," he murmured, drawing himself up from the mire of his thoughts. "Nan had always made love with only one person. She would devote herself for the moment to that one person she had in her arms, would not – could not – think of anyone else at the time. I noticed it again and again."
"But didn't she want to bear children, to pass on her genes?"
"She used to say her genes meant nothing to her. And many times she treated her lovers as if they were her children, satisfying her maternal instinct..."
***
There was a pause, as if to digest the information gathered up till now. Then, Ada said, "Tell us, Ben, how did Nan meet Lee? How did she come to know him, to get attached to him, if she was not usually attracted to poetic ideas."
He took his time answering. "This is difficult, this is painful," he said at last, speaking slowly, as if wrenching the words out of his heart. "I was not there, at the Youth Hall, when it happened. It was a rainy day, and I had gone to the factory to examine some new equipment. Nan was on her own at the time, hovering in the crowd, unattached. There was a small group of people, and as she approached, she saw a slim, willowy man (these are her words) – just a year out of school he was, seventeen, barely out of childhood – reciting poetry. His voice, as she described it – I was never captivated, myself, you understand – was musical, and he was reading his words in a singsong fashion. She was enchanted, that's what she told me. There must have been something physical in the words or the way they were recited, otherwise she would never have been attracted. At least, I don't think so. Nan... She told me she approached him when he had finished, asked him to meet her alone, to read his poetry to her alone. He came to her cubicle and read to her, as she asked, and she was so affected by his reciting that she made love to him on the spot... He had been a virgin, she told me (she used to tell me sometimes about her other lovers, because we used to be such good friends before we had ever been lovers, and because I did not mind)... She said, making love to That Man was like floating on a cloud, up above the earth... She said, that as the spiritual words had affected her physically, so the physical act elevated her onto a spiritual plane in a way she had never experienced before... I can remember her words very well, although I could never understand their proper meaning..."
He fell silent.
***
"How did you come to form a nonproductive trio?" Ada asked then.
"It was Nan's idea. Nan always initiated everything..."
"But what about you – didn't you yourself ever want to be a parent, to join a family of five?"
"All I wanted in my life was Nan – and my profession, which luckily was connected with Nan's work. In her geological trips, she often had the occasion to test some new equipment we had designed. She had no fear, was always ready to try out something new, unfamiliar."
"So, she came to you with the idea of a trio – herself, Lee and you. How did she explain it to you?"
All five pairs of eyes turned to look at the heavy, somber man, who had trouble expressing himself with words, who had trouble with the complex of feelings he was forced into expressing.
"Nan said," his voice was very low now, delving into the depths of his painful memories, "that she wanted the two poles of her life to join through her – the purely physical, that's me, and the purely spiritual, which was the Other One. She said, she was glad she did not have to choose between us when she was leaving the Youth Hall, that she could live according to the proper rules of Gardenland with the two most important men in her life."
"And what did you feel about it?"
"It was the only way I could spend my life with Nan, and it did not seem too bad at the time. I never minded the other men in her life, I thought we could have taken turns making love. I was even ready to make love in a trio, although I had an idea Nan would not want that. And she didn't. You see, I barely knew That Man at the time, I had met him once or twice and had never spoken to him more than two words, just to be polite. So, we left the Youth Hall to take our permanent place. Nan and I went on with our work, the Other One did what he did with his poetry – I never troubled my mind to find out what, and as I thought – we took our turns to sleep with Nan."
"But something went wrong," Lilit stated, calmly.
"I never thought it would happen that way, and I don't think Nan had had any idea that it could. You see, the Other One was different from us..."
"In what way, beside being a poet?"
"Well," Ben hesitated, as if he was not sure how to describe the strange events, which had taken place within the little group.
"Go on," Lilit encouraged him.
"I did not quite understand that. You see, he was not really interested."
"Interested in what?" the tall, stooping man asked in his sympathetic voice.
"In love-making... In the actual physical act. All he wanted, he said, was to 'express himself' in words, to make love 'spiritually' – he wanted the 'mating of souls', as he called it, not of bodies... I had never heard such rubbish before!" Ben's voice was sharp now, criticizing.
"And how did Nan react to that idea?" asked the motherly looking woman who was anything but, in her sharp voice.
"Nan," said Ben in deep sorrow, "thought the idea was exceptional and interesting, she found it wonderfully attractive. I don't understand her attitude at all!"
"Tell us, what happened, then."
There was another pause, and then Ben started telling his story in a low, monotonous voice.
"We had an assignment, Nan and I, on top of that mountain; I mean, Nan had some geological investigation to do, and I was checking on some gear that had been a bit troublesome. So, the three of us got on top of the mountain the easy way, and I was to climb down the cliff, trying the ropes. We pitched camp."
He was talking very slowly now, as if reluctant to tell his story. The five investigators kept silent, looking at him with their bland faces that did not reveal their inner thoughts. "The first night nothing special happened. I had climbed down some, and had come back up. At night, Nan lay between us, she and me falling naturally into lovemaking. The Other One did not take part, left the tent to walk about and return when we were finished. I fell asleep, so I don't know what happened between the two of them..." He paused. "The next night, Nan had that bright idea. 'How would it be,' she said, her caressing voice at its most alluring, 'if Lee read us out of his poetry and Ben and I will make love at the same time... I thought,' she said, 'it could be some fantastic experience...' – some fantastic experience indeed! I thought I could die!"
"But, if that was how you felt, couldn't you tell her you did not want to do it, instead of taking such drastic measures?" asked the sturdy man with the booming voice.
"You don't know Nan – you could never tell her anything. And I never wanted to, not until then... I tell you, she had changed, she had turned into someone I did not know – I didn't want to know..."
"So, what happened?"
"We lay as usual at first, with Nan between the two of us. She pulled That Man to her, started kissing and caressing him, trying to stir his passion; but he pulled back, said he was not in the mood. It was then that she made that suggestion, said his own words should put him in the right mood. He took up her idea enthusiastically, started reciting by heart, while Nan turned to me; she seemed to be affected by that poetry, approached me in a different way, as if motivated by some inner drive I had never known before. She had become a stranger, spoiling it for me completely! It was them, you see, they were making love through me! He with his words and his musical voice, she with her body acting with mine – as if I was not there at all, although it was my body she was using for her own purpose! It was disgusting, I had never lived through such hell in my whole life..."
Silence fell.
"And then?" Ada asked after a little while.
"When it was over, I went outside. The air was clear and sharp, I thought the stars were mocking me... I walked about for a very long time, round and round that peak; I could have fallen over the cliff myself that night, but I didn't. Then the moon rose, and I saw that silhouette, a dark figure crouching at the edge of the cliff. I came near it – it was That Man; he did not notice me, probably engrossed in some new ideas for a poem... It was so easy..."
There was another pause.
"What happened after you pushed him?" asked the tall, sympathetic man at last.
"I went back to the tent," Ben answered, simply, as if relieved again by his act. "Nan was sleeping, smiling in her sleep... I had never seen her looking so happy after lovemaking, as if at last she had got what she had been looking for all her life... I looked and looked at her, trying to find my old Nan. She was never pretty, you know, but there was never anyone like my Nan..."
"Your Nan..." Lilit's severe voice reverberated in Ben's head.
"I know we are not supposed to own other people, but she used to be mine, always mine – she had been slipping away from me, slipping away from my grasp for ever... I hoped she would now come back to me and we would be as we were before, just the two of us – but it did not happen, she had gone now, for ever..."
