Refugees from OneNote Planet

– Beginning of Confidential Note by Anonymous Musical Engineers –

We could be zapped out of existence if anyone gets solar wind of this. But we thought we’d better warn you guys. If the quality of your Cetaceans harmonics doesn’t improve soon, then some of the older guys with long faces want to push your case before the Central Galactic Council. They’ve secretly become addicted to the Cetacean vibes, and want more and more all the time. It’s not all that surprising when you have a look at their partners and brats. So this could work out in your favour, if you can fulfill their demands. We’re working overtime to mix and spin the same sounds in different combos over and over again, but these oldies manage to see right through it. Don’t ask us how.

There’s even a super-secret gang of grey beards (artificial) who are lobbying to preserve your planet, but to have you lot, ie the two-legged creatures removed. So some of them can take control of your little globe. It’s just an excuse to get nearer the whales, and especially the dolphins. We can’t keep them here, you see, because of the high amounts of sulphur in our atmosphere which would fry them straightaway.

But we’re not sure that these ponderous idiots for the most part, would be the best humanoids to take care of any species, let alone precious dolphins. In fact, come to think of it, we wouldn’t even leave our musical instruments, wave mixers, or sound grinders alone in a room with these drooping birds even for a second.

We think you guys were nuts to destroy your eco-system (is that what you call it?) the way you did. But if we had to replace your humanoids, it would take forever for them to adjust to everything. For example, have you heard this story that when the Topikas landed on the new planet of Tuphara, they would burn the Fishphora trees because they thought they exuded spores that caused their itching. It took them two hundred years to understand that the itching ceased as soon as they started washing themselves. They’d been in hibernation for too long in their inter-stellar ships!

Anyway, if some new guardians were appointed for your crusty old globe, (and we heard distant rumours that the younger Tupharans are vying for that position), then we don’t think that would be a very good idea. Who knows, the Cetaceans might go into complete shock if they actually saw or smelled these young Tupharans, and stop producing sounds at all.

So we think it’s best you try to do what you can. At least the Cetaceans will continue to sing, however sad their songs might be. Of course, you could ask for our help. For example, you could request that the sound engineers from Sushostra be beamed down to work more closely with the dolphins., because you’re complete dolts yourselves, and can’t manage this on your own anymore. Be careful not to take our names. We’re giving you this heads-up at great risk to ourselves. A word about this note, and you’ll bring the grey beards on your heads. By the way. We’re using the term grey beards metaphorically. They’re green bald-headed balls of dangling fat. Yes. That’s a better description of these guys.

Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn’t be too keen on Zaaturu guys coming down to help you either. They may be heroes for now. They saved our quad and all that. But the reality is they’re as boring as the drone of an inter-stellar ship running smoothly on the long haul. So they could just bore the big fish to death! Your planet will stop vibrating, and just sink into one big yawn.

So really, the best option would be to request we come down to give you a hand. That way, you can save your sorry necks, keep your planet, and keep the big fish singing.

And in case you’re wondering how come we can speak your lingo so well, guess what? We heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. Actually, it’s more of an escaped convict. A guy from your world, said he used to be very well-known there. He was completely innocent, was sentenced unfairly, and sent on some long distance ship, but managed to bust out of there. There were a bunch of them, but they went their separate ways.

He’s taken on a new identity now. We’re hiding him, mainly to get the ins on how your sorry little globe spins. Anyway, he used to work in something called black fluids. Do you know him? Can you ask for him too? Seems he knows a lot about fluids, so could be handy when it comes to your waters.

Stand well back now. At the count of ten, this message will self-destruct. We don’t know how far this destruction will spread, as we’re not those boring mathematicians. We reckon that due to the difference in our gravities, the boom could be wider on your planet, but don’t know by how much. It’s enough that we’re warning you now. One, two, three…

– Explosion of Confidential Note by Anonymous Musical Engineers –