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Inebriated Motions

The red and blue flickering lights flashed in my rear view mirror, steadily moving closer with speed. My heart instantly began to beat in fast forward motion. I glanced at the large MSU campus, with thoughts of pure panic, as I slowly pulled over to the side of the road. Cars passed by, slowing down to get a glimpse of the trouble I had. Rich college kids in Daddy's car, gawking. My truck looked like a hit and run machine. I had been driving it for almost 8 years, and it had seen its share of mishaps. My drunken hands began to shake, uncontrollably, searching my glove compartment for the necessary papers, insurance, and registration.

"Shit, we're totally fucked, I can't believe this shitty luck I have, dude, I can't find my fucking insurance or registration," I said to my passenger, Steve.

"Kyle, try and chill out, I've got fucking warrants up the ass. I just got out of jail, we can pull this off, try and relax."

Ya, easy for him to say, Steve had enough heroin floating through his veins, to kill a large horse.

"How can you be so fucking calm about this? I'm about to get my first drunk driving, not to mention the needles and other shit I'm sure you have on you."

"Where the fuck are my papers, shit, I always have them in here," I said, throwing things out of my glove compartment, in hysteria.

"Kyle, if you don't fucking try and relax, we are both going to be screwed, get a hold of yourself," Steve said, grabbing my arm, and giving me his insane, everything is all right look.

We both sat, like caught fish on a hook, lighting cigarettes, and cracking our windows, as we stared in our side mirrors, trying to get a glimpse of the pig. The blue and red lights kept flickering in the discouraging night air. A huge spotlight shined on my truck, we couldn't see a damn thing in that cop car. I popped some more Dentyne chewing gum into my cottonmouth, just waiting.

"Ok, here she comes, she's walking over here now," I gulped.

"Play it cool brother, just relax," Steve said.

She walked up to my truck, left hand on gun, right hand holding a huge flashlight. I tried to gather my award winning bullshit act.

"Hello sir, can I see your drivers license, registration, and insurance please," she said, flashing her mammoth flashlight in my eyes.

"I cant seem to find my insurance and registration, but here is my drivers license," I said, handing it to her.

Her piggy hands grabbed it; she stared at it for a second, then back at me.

"How much have you had to drink tonight Mr.Gordoney?"

I looked her straight in the eyes, with a slight smirk, and a friendly tone.

"I haven't drank anything tonight, officer."

She flashed her cop light around on the cluttered floor of my rubbish filled truck. Half eaten hamburgers, shoes, unpaid parking tickets, candy wrappers, empty boxes of cigarettes, dungy napkins, un- paid bills, buried our feet.

"Can I see some I.D. from you as well sir."

Steve pulled his chain wallet from his back pocket, and handed her his ID.

"Excuse me officer, but why did you pull me over?" I asked.

"I clocked you at five miles over the speed limit, and you have a broken tail light," she said.

"OK, I'm sorry about the tail light, I didn't know it was broken."

"You gentlemen wait right here, I'll be back in a moment."

She walked back to her cop car, with both our licenses. My heart started to slow down a little, which was a good thing.

"How the hell did you just get out of jail in Tennessee, if you have warrants in Michigan?" I asked Steve.

"I don't know, I guess I got lucky."

"Well, it looks like your fucking luck just ran out. Why did you even give her your ID? You should have lied."

"I don't know Kyle, but look, if I go to jail, please do me a favor and call my girlfriend at work, and tell her."

"I might be going to jail with you, this sucks ass." I said.

Steve started shoving something under his seat, all quick like, thinking I wouldn't see.

"What the fuck are you doing? Don't even think about hiding your fucking spikes and whatever you have in here. I'm fucking serious, put that shit back in your pants, Now!"

"Dude, they aren't going to search your car."

"You don't know that, cops can do anything they want."

Steve put his little package of narcotic paraphernalia back in his pants, shrugging his head, looking pissed off.

Another cop car pulled up, with its lights flashing. A male pig got out, and walked over to the lady cop's car. She got out of her car, and the two of them headed back over. One got on Steve's side of the door, the other on my side. The female, on Steve's side, asked him to step out of the vehicle. Steve got out, and she told him to turn around, slapping the cuffs on his skinny wrists.

"So, Mr. Gordoney, would you mind if we searched your vehicle?" the mustached piggy asked.

"Sure, go ahead," I responded.

"OK, please step out of the vehicle, and move to the back of your truck."

I got out and tried to walk like a sober guy, to the back of my truck. The lady pig was putting Steve in the back of her car.

For a brief second, I thought about running for it. The male cop rummaged through all my garbage, pulling out crap, and throwing it back in. He didn't look real thrilled with the mess, but he's the fuck that wanted to search it. The female piggy came over and stood by me.

"You sure you haven't had anything to drink tonight?" she asked.

"Nope, I haven't. I have registration and insurance, but I can't find it."

"So, if I run you through some tests, you will pass with flying colors?"

"I'm sure I would," I said.

She sort of laughed, and handed me my driver's license back. I think she knew what was up, but was possibly giving me a break, or was just happy to catch Steve.

The other piggy was now done searching my truck.

"All I could find was a bunch of garbage," he said, to the female pig.

"You're free to go Mr. Gordoney, but I suggest you drive straight home, and do not drive any more fugitives around tonight," she said.

"Thank you very much officer, thank you very much," I uttered, walking back over to my truck.

I slowly pulled away, signaling, and putting my seat belt on. I took one last glance at Steve, his eyes glared back at me. He tried to voice something with his lips, and I just nodded, not knowing what the hell he was saying, as I drove away a free man.

I cautiously drove back to my friend Vivo's apartment, with my head flipping from right to left, in search of more cops.

Vivo buzzed me into the apartment complex. I quickly ran up the stairs, to tell him about the nightmare situation.

I walked into his apartment. He was lying on his scummy mattress with a beer in one hand, a water bong in the other.

"Gimmee drugs," he said, with a diseased smile on his face.

I opened his fridge, pulled out an Old Milwaukee beer, sat down in a chair, and stared at him, with a dazed expression on my face.

"GIMMEE drugs," Vivo said again.

"Dude, here's your money back, I almost went to jail, and Steve is in jail," I said, throwing two twenty dollar bills at him.

"Shut up, gimmee drugs."

"Vivo, try and snap out of your retarded mentality for a minute, and pay attention. I got pulled over, and almost went to jail for drunk driving. They arrested Steve for outstanding warrants. I got no fucking drugs, because we never even made it to Johnny the dealer's house, understand?"

"No way, really?"

"No, I'm making this shit up," I said sarcastically.

"Dude, that fucking sucks, I wanted coke," Vivo said.

"Ya, well, so did I."

"I thought Steve just got out of jail in Tennessee, how did he get out, if he has warrants here?" Vivo asked.

"Who knows, the guy's an evil fucker anyway."

"What was he in jail for in Tennessee?" Vivo asked.

"Him and his junkie girlfriend went down there to try and start fresh, kick their habit. I guess they were staying at a friend's apartment. They went out to the bar one night, and Steve wondered off from everybody, drunk, with no money, and no smokes. He then threw a big brick, or rock, through a liquor store window. The alarms blaring, he climbed through the window and grabbed two packs of cigarettes, then ran back to his friend's apartment, across the street.

"What a fucking dumb ass," Vivo said, slobbering his lips, on a beer.

"Yep, well anyway, I guess his friend's toilet was broken. He went down in the parking lot to piss, and they were looking for a guy in a bright yellow jacket. He got arrested. Turns out, the judge who prosecuted him, was the owner of the liquor store. Steve's court appointed lawyer was the judge's niece. How he only got 2 months, is beyond me."

"I got some ecstasy," Vivo blurted.

"Really, how many? Can I have one?" I said.

"I was sort of saving them."

"Dude, you're a weasel, I almost went to jail for trying to drive to the south side and score you drugs, now cough those fuckers up, I want some."

"I suppose," Vivo said.

He pulled out a little baggy with four purple pills in it, and handed me one, while swallowing one himself.

"Cool, I haven't done this shit in a while," I said, gulping one down with a swig of beer.

After about 45 minutes we began feeling the elated effects of this mysterious drug.

"Dude, I feel like I'm walking on marshmallows, and my entire reality is at peace with the universal tranquillity of feeling guiltless. It feels sort of like a huge tongue is licking me, from the inside out," I said, walking around his miniature apartment.

"Shut up weirdo," Vivo said.

"You don't feel anything?" I asked.

"Ya, I do, it feels pretty good," Vivo said, with beads of sweat dripping down his crooked nose.

"I think we need to go on a beer run," Vivo said.

"Definitely," I responded.

"Hold on one sec," Vivo said, heading to his toilet.

I heard vomiting sounds of feverish agony. It sounded like he was puking up a lung in his toilet.

"Jesus, you OK, sounds like you're dying?"

"I'll be out in a minute," he said.

Vivo came out of his bathroom, looking like death itself, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

"Let's go," he said, while coughing up more spew.

"How could you puke on this shit? I feel great," I said.

"I always puke, you know that, every morning I ralph, just from waking up and existing."

"You ought to go see a doctor about that shit, you probably have ulcers, or something," I said, as we walked to his car.

"Blah," Vivo responded.

Vivo drove down Grand River Avenue. We both stared at all the pretty little college girls, waiting in lines, to get into trendy bars, dressed in their promiscuous bar hopping outfits.

"I'm feeling really wasted," Vivo said, turning the car stereo down.

"Shit, we got company, don't panic," I said.

"What?" Vivo said, looking in his side view mirror.

"Oh shit, I'm going to jail, I'm so fucking wasted," Vivo said.

"Pull into this next liquor store, you're driving twenty-five miles per hour, they can't do shit."

Vivo pulled into the liquor store parking lot, and the blue and red glowing lights came on behind us.

Vivo scurried his hand in his pocket, and pulled out the remaining two tabs of ecstasy.

"Here, hide these in your underwear, and if I go to jail, don't fucking eat them without me," he said, handing me the baggy.

"OK."

The cop said Vivo was swerving, and ran him through the entire drunk driving tests.

Vivo failed them all miserably, as I watched the piggy handcuff him.

He told me I was free to go.

"Hey Kyle, call my brother, and tell him to bail me out," Vivo said, as the cop pushed him in the back of his car.

I started walking back to Vivo's apartment. My head was still humming pleasantly from the ecstasy. Although my friend had just gone to jail, I couldn't help but feel blissful from the drug.

I saw some drunken frat looking boys headed towards me, walking in the opposite direction.

They all looked like muscle headed, jock drinking, college spirit, kind of dudes.

There were four of them. They were yelling stupid shit, and acting like white kids, who thought they were black, saying stuff like, "Yo, Yo, Yo, dawg, ya, dawg, know what I'm saying hoe ass bitch."

They quieted down for a second, as we passed each other.

I stared at one of them, and tried to give a friendly smile.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" the meathead questioned.

I just kept walking, not giving him a response.

He came up behind me, and pushed my back, with enough force, to give me whiplash.

"I said what the fuck are you looking at faggot?"

I turned around, gazing at the idiot, as his friends snickered.

"I thought I was looking at the princess of all pussies," I said, while my feet moved into a full sprint, before he could react.

I was a two pack a day smoker, but if I felt my life was in danger, I could run pretty fast.

"Let's get the fucker!" he yelled.

I heard fast paced running sneakers behind me. I didn't bother turning around, just kept running like hell, in a panic. I shouldn't have played his game, but I was in somewhat of a dream state, in la la land, thinking nothing could hurt me.

I noticed a cop car driving by on the other side of the street, just as the running feet were about to close in, and smash my face apart.

I started flagging down the cop with wailing arms. He flipped a U-turn with his lights flashing. He pulled up to me, as the meatheads turned around, and acted like they were just walking casually.

"What's the problem?" the cop asked me.

I was trying to catch my breath, and it was hard to get any words out.

"Those fuckers were going to attack me for no reason," I managed to say, while pointing at them.

"Is that so?" he said.

"Yes officer, I was just walking by them, and they asked me if I wanted to buy some drugs. I told them I don't do drugs, and they all started chasing me, calling me a faggot."

"I'll have to go have a chat with these boys, have a good night sir," he said, pulling away from the curb.

I continued walking back to Vivo's place, lighting up a much-needed cigarette, after all that exercise.

That was probably the first, and last time a cop would ever be around when I needed one. I stopped at a liquor store and bought some Jim Beam whiskey, and a coke to mix it with. I got back to Vivo's and pulled out the spare key he had given me, and unlocked the door. I flipped on his TV, and sat down on his couch with a mixed drink in hand.

There was a knock at the door, just as I was pulling out the little purple pills. I shoved them back in my underwear, and answered the door.

A curly red haired girl with blue eyes stood before me. Had I died? And gone to heaven, I thought to myself.

"Hi there, my name's Essence, I live up stairs from Vivo, is he home?"

I stood there, with drink in hand, somewhat stunned.

"Umm, actually he just went to jail for drunk driving, want to come in, and I'll tell you the story?"

"Why not?" she said.

"My name's Kyle," I told her.

She came in, I offered her a drink, and she accepted.

I told her what had happened. Her blue eyes stared at me with a welcoming smile. I got a good sensuous feeling from this girl. She was, in a bizarre way, extremely attractive.

She rambled on for a little while about what she was majoring in, and bla bla bla. She said she liked to skateboard, hang out and party.

"I grew up in California, skateboarding everyday," I told her.

"Cool!" she said.

I went on to brag about all the pro skaters I had skated with, and all the southern California ramps I had skated, back in the day.

She seemed pretty impressed, as she snuggled up closer to me on the couch.

"Want to smoke a joint and do some ecstasy?" I asked her.

"Hell ya," she responded.

"I've got a little bit of coke I can throw in," she said.

"Alrighty then."

I crushed up a purple pill and she added some yellow looking cocaine to the mix.

We snorted 2 lines of the mixture off a CD case, and stared at the TV for a while.

She kept playing with her curly hair, twirling a finger through it. I started getting real horny. We sucked a joint down, and Vivo's small apartment started feeling like the best place in the world.

All of the sudden, she jumped on top of me and started kissing me. I was pretty thrilled with this entire situation. We made out for about 10 minutes, then had a smoke break.

"I think you're cute," she said, running a finger through my long matted hair.

"Ya, I'm a pretty nice guy too, when I'm asleep."

She started laughing hysterically, and rubbing my hard on, through my jeans.

"Let's go to a party!" she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"It'll be fun, we can dance around and meet people."

"I'm not much into dancing, and I can usually do without most people," I said.

"Oh, come on, don't be such a hermit, I'm gonna go, with or without you."

"Ok, I'll go, but you can drive." I said.

"Great, it'll be so much fun, my friend told me about this party on Vernon Street," she said, filled with glee.

"How much have you had to drink tonight?" I asked her.

"I had about a six- pack of beer before I came over here, hey I made a poem," she said, giggling.

She was starting to annoy me, but I was too high to really let anything bother me immensely.

I got my backpack, put my whiskey, Vivo's water bong, and a few beers into it. We got in Essence's sporty little car, that was plastered with skate stickers, and drove down the boulevard. Essence was moving her head back and forward, grooving to the band WEEN, as she swerved all over the lanes. I thought that for sure she would be pulled over at any second. The music was too loud to tell her anything.

We made it to Vernon Street. There were tons of cars and drunken people out front of the party house. It looked like a frat party, which I despised. In fact, I pretty much hated going to any type of party, people annoyed the piss out of me. Large gatherings of unoriginal nincompoops, trying to be cool, it just sucked.

My buzz was slowly melting away, and I kept getting this creepy come down feeling from the little bit of coke I did.

"Woooohoooooo!" Essence yelled, as we walked up to the party.

Some jerk made us pay 5 bucks at the door, and drew some stupid looking thing on my hand, in permanent marker.

As soon as we got in those doors, Essence was off, chatting away to her friends she saw. I paced around, looking for the keg, wanting to get my money's worth. I found the keg line, in the basement, and it looked like it would be quite a wait. Fuck it, I thought. I sat down in a dark corner of the basement, and pulled out my whiskey. Some kid came and sat next to me with a huge nitrous balloon.

"This shit rules," he said, in a twisted voice, sucking on his balloon.

I went back upstairs, and found a space on the couch, next to a couple of passed out dudes. I felt like everyone in the place was staring at me, and giving me dirty looks.

I pulled out Vivo's last little purple pill, and swallowed it down with some whiskey. I noticed Essence over in a corner of the room, making out with some jock looking dude. It really didn't surprise me, for some reason. The passed out guy, next to me, woke up.

"Oh shit, I got a physics test in the morning, I gotta get out of here," he mumbled.

"Hey, can I get a ride home from you?" I asked.

"Sure," he said, while trying to stand up, and falling on his face.

I decided to walk. I pushed my way to the front door. Hundreds of people stood around on the front lawn, talking, and drinking shitty flat beer from plastic cups. There was a crowd gathered around in a circle, chanting "GO, GO, GO, GO, GO."

That's just what I should have done, but I decided to wander over and see what they were chanting about. It was some muscle head doing push-ups, as people placed their beer cups on his back, and his friend counted out how many push-ups he was doing. When he got up to seventy-five, he stopped, and hopped up, letting out a gigantic jock roar. I recognized the meathead right away, as our eyes met. He came at me with a furious look, his nostrils flaring. Then everything went black. I woke up in the hospital two days later, with Vivo and Steve staring at me.

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