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The Night Last Night

We went to bars last night. A lot of them. Maybe a bad idea for anti-social people to do. At least speaking for myself. Fragments are a good thing.

Me, my sister from California, my girlfriend, her friend: we stumbled from bar to bar- they bought my drinks, 'cause somehow I had spent all my money again on useless munchies and the always needed gallon of Jim Beam waiting at home, in my air conditioned apartment. Not to mention weed, and x a few nights ago.

"We better stop drinking and go home, you better slow down driving, we better just best go home to the troll cave, do some bong hits." I tried to say all night.

The ladies were having none of it.

"Shut up you dork, you are too paranoid," They would say.

"Yeah, you did to many drugs." My sister chimed in.

"Well, being overly cautious at times has always kept me out of jail ladies."

They just laugh at me more, tell me to shut up, as my gal swerves all over Texas Avenue, and a bowl of dirt weed is passed around. For some reason, I take a number of hits, riding shotgun.

All one can do is chain smoke and see where the night takes us at this point. Most people can't listen after drinking, especially younger types. Or friends with A.D.D. - I had about 10 years on them all, with the drinking thing. But I wasn't the one buying. Maybe 15 years.

We ended up in some shot bar. Some Texas style shot bar with no stools, it was just like this long wooden hallway with hunted stuffed animal heads on all the walls. The ladies drank all sorts of butterballs, hairy pa pa's, and other poisonous named shots. Of course I indulged as well. My gal went to use the women's restroom, and said there was some fat man passed out in it. I think we all did about 10 shots each of various expensive liquors. Maybe more. I had drunken a pint of Beam before we even left, not to mention the first 4 bars we had been at, Coronas and such. Ok, I thought to myself, now it's almost over, and we can go home. I was like an old man that hated having to go out in public with his walking cane. Dorothy from the wizard of Ozzy. Clicking my invisible heels.

"Lets go to bottle cap alley!' my gal yelled.

"What the fuck is bottle cap alley?" I asked.

We all stumbled out to some long alley, and sure enough, the ground was covered with beer bottle caps. I started kicking them all, digging my heels into the dirt, and messing up the nice little tourist spot, or pissing ground, whatever the hell it was.

"Don't do that," they said

"Barf, whatever, this is lame," I responded, pretty drunk.

Then we went to some other bar, after they ignored my pleas to.....

"Just let's go home"

Some horrible crowded bar called 'The Poop Shoot' or some ridiculous name I can't recall. As soon as we walked in, I noticed there was nowhere to sit, no tables, no bar stools left, lots of horrible looking college kids glaring at us. I felt like an out of place experimental lab mouse, in a cage full of unpredictable hungry snakes.

"This place sucks, look at all these fuckin' idiots, let's just leave now!" I yelled, into my girlfriend's ear. Her eyes were gone, circling round in some drunken lost Ferris wheel, somewhere in her head.

"Just shut up Nicholas, we're having fun." My sister chimed in.

"Yeah dude, don't be so paranoid," my gal- backed her up.

Fuck. What's a man to do? My eyes scanned the bar for a place to sit. Somewhere dark and away. Another fragment. Nothing. Just sickly tan people with jock shirts and perfect hairdos stared back at me. I quickly ordered a shot of some nasty Hot Damn-fire drink, in order to try and deal with the situation at hand. I wasn't sure why. I don't even like that Hot Damn shit. The Barbie blonde bartender girl was giving us all dirty looks, as she handed my shot over, a smoke dangling from my mouth. I could tell something was going to happen, something bad. I told the girls not to tip.

Suddenly my gal's friend was grabbing my shoulders, saying ..

"Do you like my tattoo?"

I stared down at some of the largest breasts I had seen in a while, that were popping out of her cleavage shirt. There was some sort of bubbly gum trendy something or other tattoo right in between the crack of her enormous tits. I just stared at it, at her tits, and then her tits became four blurry eyeballs, looking back at me.

"Them are nice, I mean that's a swell tattoo you got there." I mumbled.

We got a table finally. I was still complaining about leaving. None of them heard me much anymore. Only problem was, there were only two chairs at the table. So my gal asked these doofus-looking muscle head college dudes if she could take the two chairs at their table, which they were not using.

"Fuck no, we are expecting some company." One of the idiot guys said, in a very rude tone that I didn't care for.

"Whatever," my drunken gal responded, shooting him a nasty look.

'Oh shit' I thought to myself, here we go. Things were going to get out of control, but they just wouldn't listen. They just wouldn't listen to me.

My sister grabbed two bar stools from I don't know where. So my gal and her friend had normal sized chairs at the table, and me and my sister sat on these gigantic bar stools, not to mention the table they had found was right in the middle of the bar, where it was the brightest; this just made it all the more uncomfortable.

"I'll kick someone's fuckin' ass, I took two semesters of kung fuckin' fu, fuck everyone here." My little sister said, slugging down another shot. I had never heard her talk like this. I was proud and saddened in a way.

"Hell yeah!" my gal said to her.

The other huge breasted tattoo girl just kept grinning from ear to ear. All I could do was look over at the four jock dudes, at the table next to us, who wouldn't loan us their chairs. Prepare myself:

One of them, the one that had spoken, I zeroed in on him, just staring, blowing smoke up towards the ceiling, waiting, cool as liquor lips. Sometimes something about drinking a lot, brings out violent instincts in humans. "We should just leave" I said again

The ladies ordered more shots, laughing at me.

I felt like everyone in the place was staring at us, or me, I don't know. I had this shirt on that said "Texas" on it, with the bull horns and all, I had purposely wore it, thinking I wouldn't look like some long haired out of place Yankee drug troll. The shirt didn't seem to be working. I got a lot of filthy looks. Most of the men's eyes that looked at me, wanted a fight, I do believe. Most of the women's eyes, just looked away quickly. I hadn't had a good fight in a while. Plus I knew if I started anything, it would hopefully be quickly broken up, like a Jerry Springer episode. I mean we were in a crowded bar and all.

So, there I sat, with this huge spotlight on me, up on my big boy chair. I was trying to hear what them four dudes were talking about, I think it was something about sports, or working out, bench presses... as the three girls chatted away drunken babble among themselves. I left my body for a second or two. I bent over to my girlfriend's ear and said....

"I want to beat the shit out of that guy."

"What guy?" she said.

It was too late. I stood up, and grabbed one of the chairs they weren't using. Pushed my bar stool over, and sat back down in the chair, lighting a cigarette, staring over at the jock table, waiting for a reaction from them. I was beyond drunk, beyond crazy, to me, it wasn't even really happening; it was like a slow motion movie in black and white. I looked at my little sister, & I sensed her fear.

The one-jock college pud I didn't like stood up and walked over to me. "What's your fucking problem you long-haired faggot?" he said, in my face.

I had an automatic reaction with my right hand; it came up quick, and hard on his stupid face. I punched him with Superman-like strength. I could have killed him. I really might have. His body fell backwards, and hit the floor.

Then everything went sort of purple, red, and black.

The other three of his pals were on me like hungry vultures on road kill. I remember a lot of screaming and chaos. My sister cracked a beer bottle over one of the dude's heads that was holding me down. I seem to remember blurry visions of my girlfriend and her huge breasted friend swinging kicks with pointed boots into the other guy's faces. Suddenly I was up off the ground, on my feet, and other stupid jock boys started grabbing me. I elbowed one dude in the face, and heard something crack. More hands were grabbing me, as spurting blood seemed to enter the picture.

I remember wailing my arms, and smacking anyone in the face who dared to try and touch me. A bar stool was thrown, hit me right in the head, or nose. I got wobbly. I woke up a few minutes later with a lot of pains in my body and skeletal structures.

My girlfriend and my sister were in tears. The big boobed tattoo lady was gone. They lifted me up, as more dorks tried to swing at me. But there was this big bouncer like guy, who I hadn't seen before, and he was yelling..

"Just get him the fuck out of here now! Before he gets himself killed."

I remember walking down bottle cap alley, dripping blood on all those bottle caps, as the two girls helped me stumble. I was mumbling incoherent babble about killing people. I think I wet my new shorts.

Somehow the big-breasted tattoo girl put me in her car, she was in the parking lot. Shotgun. & my sister and my gal left in another car.

I remember the big boobied girl weeping, and lighting a cigarette.

" I got blood all over me." I said, laughing.

She just looked over at me, frightened.

Then a cop car was in-between us. In-between the two cars.

" Shit, my gal is swerving." I managed to notice.

The big tattoo girl just cried more, when I noticed another cop car behind us.

"This is bullshit!" I said, pulling one of my bloody loose teeth out.

The cops turned on the flashing lights.

& As soon as that fat ride with the huge tits pulled over. I opened the passenger door, running into some woods as fast as my drunken feet would carry me. I kept turning my head around, and heard cops yelling to freeze, footsteps closing in, and women yelling and crying about shit I'm not even sure I heard.

It was too late. I was running deep into some woods I had never been in before. I dodged the trees, panting hard, till I didn't hear them anymore. I stopped running after about 15 minutes, and sat down, my back leaning up against a tree, trying to catch my breath.

I lit my final cigarette. I couldn't tell if I wanted to laugh, or cry, so I ended up doing both. I stared up at the moon, while hearing crickets all around me. I woke up with sweat and blood all over me. There was a Texas scorpion crawling on my shoulder, I swatted it off, staring up at the sun, wondering how I got here, and where I was headed. What time was it, what was real, what wasn't?

I walked through the woods, a little scared, and I heard my mothers voice telling me that I was a bad influence on the poor young girls. I just got home a few hours ago. & I won't answer the phone.

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