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No Kidding

Ted said he was writing a new interpretation of the Aquarian Bible for his own Ishkabibble Press. But all his extra time he spent on the web.

Joey, his only son, was being brought up by Judy, his ex-wife, and Katie, her girlfriend, who was once his.

Today on the radio there is a report that Ted has kidnapped his son.

"Dad, that's you. Why did you come and get me that way? I know it was your weekend; we were going fishing."

"I can explain it all." Ted shuts off the short wave.

"Just tell me. I'm fourteen."

"I was told I only have six months to live."

"Was it my fault?" Joey sits on Ted's lap.

"No, Joey, nothing is. It's my heart again."

"Mom is angry with you. Real mad. I want to run away with you somewhere."

"That would really be kidnapping."

"No kidding.

"I've missed you. All the kids ask me where you are. I got a double promotion at school."

"Your mom told me."

"She said you gave me my brains, that you were a genius until the war."

"I was a quiet boy, not a warmonger."

"Katie says that's why you won't give me any war toys for Christmas."

Ted goes to hug Joey.

I've tried to be a damn good father."

"Mom says you are a transagelist -- you can even be a kid sometimes."

"I loved your mother, but she loved Katie more than me. I once loved Katie too."

"Why can't we all live together, Dad?"

"That was my dream, but your mom's nightmare."

"Do you think the cops will be coming?"

"No... just because I kept you a little longer..."

There is a commotion outside. Judy and Katie in their winter rainwear walk in.

"Let's go, Joey."

"No, mom. It's daddy's day for me. He's going to die. He told me, and I need to help him."

"He's like a kid, always telling white lies."

"Katie, that's not nice. Ted... it's really true?"

There is a knock on the door. Two police arrive; one good cop, one a bad one.

"Are you the Mrs.?"

"Don't talk sexist... she won't like it."

"Ted, shut up. There has been a misunderstanding. We won't need you."

"Is this the kidnapper?"

"This is daddy's day..."

The police handcuff Ted and take him into the van.

Joey starts to scream. "Give daddy a second chance."

Ted has a coronary in the van.

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