To the Artist's Page 
To our home page
To Dino Parenti's previous piece
To Dino Parenti's next piece
Re-Runs
Johnny the Kid had waited all week for it. On Monday he saw it while perusing the TV guide: Three's Company marathon, all day Friday. That was during lunch, and task number one upon his return to the car-wash was to appropriate a personal day from a Korean manager who harbored zero appreciation for the concept. Johnny wasn't worried however. The Kid was a little older than most of the other workers-flirting with thirty and receiving all the signals to approach at will-and age was a viable lubricant in a world of moronic teens who thought reticence and complacency came with a pace-maker.Twenty-three episodes later and the laughs still come unbridled. Stanley and Helen are fighting again, and it has him doubled over on the futon in titters. It's all the same dig from Mrs. Roper: No good in bed, can't rise to the occasion, etc., etc., etc... They're like the Lifesons next door. Yak, yak, yak, bitch, bitch, bitch-just like tonight. Only Hugh and Mary Lifeson seem pretty square in the nookie department. They just can't reach agreement on all things recreational. Every week it's one thing or the other. Steak vs. Lobster last Friday during Columbo. The Friday before it was San Diego vs. Santa Barbara for a weekend getaway during a double shot of Remington Steel. The Friday before that: Marsalis at the Wiltern vs. Shubert at the Bowl, this during a crucial courtroom scene of Perry Mason that spurred Johnny to actually achieve movement and close the window. He has since reopened it, and now the Lifeson's weekly brouhaha filters in like jet wash. The volume therefore must go up...
Now Jack has stopped by to borrow a hammer, and Stanley Roper immediately shifts strategy: potency defensive to homophobic strafing run. Laughs-a-plenty. Johnny the Kid just about shits. Then come the commercials, and during marathons they come in packs of twelve. Channel-surfing time. Next door the Lifesons continue to wrangle like hyenas. Johnny still chuckles over Stanley's last none-too-veiled fairy reference as he tickles the flicker:
Cooking show-something Chinese...
Lifesons-"How about the fair, Hugh..."
News-IRA bombing of clinic in Belfast...
Stock channel-too many numbers...
Lifesons-"We did the fair last year and you got sick..."
ESPN2-X-Games: acne riddled youth bites it off a skateboard ramp...(gets a laugh from Johnny)...
TNN-in-line dancing instruction...
Back to Three's Company: still on commercials...
Spice channel-too scrambled to identify activity...(may come back to it later)...
Lifesons-"Honey, we've seen all there is to see there..."
More news-in Iranian...
Spanish soap-lots of tears, lots of cleavage...
Lifesons-"Say, let's fly to Mexico and see the pyramids..."
Weather channel-golf-ball-size hail in Texas...
Thirty-Something re-run--next...
Lifesons-"You think it'll be hot this time of year..."
Whoops! Overshot the last segment. Three's Company marathon officially over for 1999. Johnny mulls it over, then absently runs the channels again. One fruitless lap later and it's back to Spice. Several minutes of eye strain and it is ascertained: the missionary position on a hospital gurney. Tricky to say the least. Next door the Lifesons exchange what sound like sweet nothings and giggle quietly. A decision has no doubt finally been reached. At least now they'll be quiet. Johnny turns off the tube and stares blankly at the ghost image on the screen...male porn-star in mid-thrust. Some guys have all the luck. He thinks of Stanley's woebegone home-life and laughs himself to tears.
To the top of this page
