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Revamped 

Pressure 
	pen to paper
Here is my journey to complete this mockumentary

angular jawline to the chin
well manicured, post-modern model of masculine beauty
he was perfection
desensitized 
	crystalline curiosity and
	vast intellect 
	an ego so large....
		to cloak the insecurities
	 
while I was
	ruffled sheets and blankets
	sloppy 
messy
	all wrong 
	drenched in perpetual inadequacy

scattered-fragmented memories
	cure this incidental ache
		to you
		for you

reflection, I looked into a shallow pond
		those eyes had me fooled
	I saw myself in your eyes
		failings exposed to face the monolith

Regret?!?!
	a waste of waste 
every girl knows
there is no shame in serving a biologic reason for breathing minus the miscarried abortion/potential
giving away for adoption
			no hard feelings
			none at all besides bitter better...

reduction, who did it first?
	reduced
	did I peal the flesh off this feeling?	
	lingering	
		so, dear-boy I cant shake
	the dis-ease of 
		the way I press myself like broken blossoms for the potpourri

drip drop fluids seeping down these thighs
.....only the natural reaction to stimulus...
Significance? I was willing
....all cause has as much reality as the effect.....

Sentient discourse carried on
carried along the wire
hours accumulated-time, money, our bodies
collapsing together
an arbitrary 
climax
that lasted possibly five minutes ending in mortification

washed up on the beach
suppressed desire
	where the waves arch but cannot break
a revamped piece for Steve
becoming epic

Knowledge
	I will learn my existence is not vindicated by the pleasure of others
		sensations cannot validate metaphorical emotion
		actions prove nothing besides the ability to act
			they speak louder than sand grains in an hour glass

				but 	maybe I lie 
				maybe I laid down with the murk and raptured 
 the sealing of my tomb 
				maybe I foresaw the coming silence that would be blamed on every 
matter that had not mattered before
				 welcomed it 	 rejoiced fanatically upon its arrival
						that came
						unlike me
metamorphosis
	everytime
	they get it in their skin that you want something from them
	everything
	starts going through changes
	sometimes you can’t see it
	you can’t put your hand on it like you could a cock
	something has changed...
		you will never know why
		at least
		there will never be formal explanation
			maybe some men
			start feeling bad
			for their mothers
			who all got fucked
				strangulated
				chained down	
			by other men just like them
			by their birth		
	
am I being crass? unfair?		
	I should kneel to your feet, to the lepers? 
	Expecting nothing 
		 a vehicle
		 an orifice
		 a number

each act ends and follows on to the next for the next 
that moment trapped forever 
I took all you had to give
the experience

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