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Squash (Reheated)

Deep down we all knew that Miss Freda Walker would never turn her back on squash country, especially when the chips were down. Sitting in her luxury $10 a night motel room in Nashville, Tennessee, Miss Freda was riding high as the new queen of country music. However, when she read the AP story in the Nashville Bugle about Mayor G running off with Miss Molly Morton, Freda gave up the posh life in Tennessee and hopped on the next Greyhound bus to Slidell, Texas. They say Mr. P. R. Lagner was left with a broken heart and an overcharged Diner's Club card.

Toby Goobersnatcher, our local lawman, was dispatched to pick Freda up at the bus stop on FM 618. We don't have a bus terminal in Slidell, but both the Greyhound and the Texas Trotter stop not five miles out of town on the FM twice a week. Freda was waiting, suitcase in hand, when Toby pulled up in his black and white. He opened the door for Freda and she hopped in.

"Miss Freda, it shore is good to have ya back home," Toby said with a big ol' smile.

"Thank ya, Toby. Has y'all been watchin' me on the Country Jamboree?"

"We shore has. Leona's Go Go Lounge and Quick Mart has been packed ever' Saturday night. You shore was a sight to see on the big screen t.v."

"Has y'all been a listenin' to me and Mr. P. R. Lagner on the radio?"

"Yessum. Everybody has been talkin' about that hit song y'all sung."

"Well, I guess ya know that I's the new of country music," Miss Freda said as she ran her hands over her ample thighs. At 360 pounds and some change, Miss Freda is what is known as fully rounded in beauty circles. She looked every bit as good as she had almost a month ago when she abdicated her throne as squash queen and ran off to Nashville with country superstar, Mr. P. R. Lagner.

"I imagine I know what brung ya back, Miss Freda."

"Why I 'spect so, Toby. The thangs goin' on in Slidell has got the whole country talkin'. I read in the Nashville Bugle that you squash heads had elected Miss Molly Morton the new squash queen."

"Will, Miss Freda, ya see—"

"Yes, I see all right. I see I'm gonna have to get to the bottom of all this. Anyways, I read where Miss Molly ran off with Mayor G and the squash fields is goin' to seed."

"Yes, ma'am. I tole Mayor G he shoulda elected yore little sister squash queen. Miss Freda, if he woulda have—"

"If—that's the key word, Toby. If General Lee would have listened to his horse, Traveler, well… you know. I reckon y'all broke Libby's heart is all. Ya know she was countin' on bein' squash queen when I retired."

"But Miss Freda, you sort of run off with Mr. P. R. Lagner instead of retirin', sort of like what Mayor G and Miss Molly—"

"Hush up, Toby. I didn't do no such thang. I just went off to Nashville to be a big star is all. Then when I read the chips was down in Slidell, I comed rushin' back."

As Toby pulled up in front of the Walker mansion, he felt he had to ask. "Miss Freda, when they say the chips is down, do they mean the cow chips or the poker chips?"

"Yes," Miss Freda said as she slammed the car door and bounced to her front porch, "That's exactly what they mean."

Toby scratched his head as he drove off, but he sure enough felt better having Miss Freda back home.

When Miss Freda opened the door, Miss Libby was galloping across the living room towards the door and they bounced into each other like those animals on Wild Kingdom. Tears was running down Miss Libby's pink cheeks as she embraced her sister, her mentor, her hero.

"Freda," Libby wailed, "have you heard all the bad news?"

"Yes, honey. They's more disasters goin' on in Slidell than in those cities in Iran where they's havin' earthquakes twice a week."

"It's all that Miss Molly Morton's fault. She was mad because you stole her man and become the new queen of country music. She set out to destroy country. She done a pretty fair job of it too."

"Baby girl. Let me get unpacked and then we'll dish us up a couple of bowls of butter pecan ice cream and you can tell me the whole story."

"OK, Freda. Lord, I am glad yore home to save Slidell and the surrounding squash farms!"

Freda bounced upstairs to unpack.

* * *

Mayor G. pulled into the motel in Nashville. Miss Molly had demanded deluxe accommodations. She had a plan to win Mr. P. R. Lagner back from Freda Walker. Her plan included replacing Miss Freda, not only in P. R. Lagner's arms, but on the Country Jamboree as well.

It hadn't taken P. R. long to figure out that Miss Freda had up and left Nashville. Freda is not a gal who can hide real easy, so when P. R. saw she wasn't in the motel room and all her bags were gone, he correctly surmised that she had returned to the squash fields of Slidell. Shaking his head, P. R. was heard to say, "Oncest a squash queen, always a squash queen." He bounced his albino chinchilla boots against the wall when he pulled them off.

* * *

Saturday night, Mr. P. R. Lagner found himself standing on the stage of the Country Jamboree with hundreds of people yelling at him, "We want Miss Freda. We want the new queen of country music."

P. R. was so distraught, he couldn't even sing, "Twenty Miles from Pine Bluff Where I Lived My Early Life." Suddenly the crowd hushed as Miss Molly Morton walked on stage in a pink sparkling dress (it most likely had real glitter on it) and wearing a genuine white mouton coat that barely covered her cleavages.

"Folks, I know you was all expectin' to see that hussy from Slidell, Miss Freda Walker, tonight. But I hope yore big country hearts to accept me back in Nashville and on yore t.v. sets and radios again. I'm jest a little ol' country gal from Florence, Alabama who loves you all like you was my little brother." Then she blowed the whole wide world a big red kiss and commenced to singin' "I'm as Country as a Brand New Leather Belt," which Mr. P. R. Lagner picked up on and joined in singing. The crowd at the Country Jamboree went wild. They were so happy to see Miss Molly and Mr. P. R. Lagner back together that they plum forgot about Miss Freda Walker.

Miss Freda was at Leona's watchin' the big screen t.v. with the usual crowd when Miss Molly walked on stage at the Country Jamboree. Smoke was comin' out of Freda's ears when she spoke the words that set the stage for some dramatic events, "Not only am I gonna save squash country, I'm gonna fix them to love birds. Mark my words!"

* * *

It was Monday morning when a broken-hearted Mayor G came driving down Main Street in Slidell. If you could have seen through his special tinted windows, you'd of seen a pair of wet red eyes. He parked and walked in Leona's to get him a soda pop, and there, as big as life, sat Miss Freda Walker eating a couple of pickled pig's feet from the big vinegar jar and patiently waiting for G's return. Leona was in the back straightening up the stockroom, so the two could speak privately.

"Well, Miss Freda, I guess you done heard that I made myself into a fool by runnin' off with Miss Molly Morton."

"Yes, they's been talkin' about it on K-slide."

"Oh, great. She played me for a complete idiot. I warn't no more than a free taxi ride to Nashville."

"Zip yer pride up, G. I has a plan and we has a squash crop to get in. As God is my witness, this squash crop will not be left to go to seed!"

"What does ya want me to do, Miss Freda?" Mayor G asked with renewed hope in his voice.

"Declare a school holiday and send all the kids out to pick the yellow crookneck squash before it turns soft. That will save Slidell until the zucchini and small white varieties mature."

"What about the acorn and Butternut squash?"

"Fortunately, my Daddy planted late fall varieties. We can harvest them as usual along with the yellow banana squash."

"Will it work?"

"It has to, G. It's our only hope. Oncest the kids get the crookneck picked, we can move on to stage two of my plan, that is, puttin' Mr. P. R. Lagner and Miss Molly Morton in they place."

"Thank you, Lord," cried Mayor G, "I knowed you'd never turn your back on squash country." Then with a gleam in his eye, he turned to Miss Freda and said, "I hope yer plan will fix them two real good, most especial that Miss Molly."

* * *

The next Saturday night, the crowd was gathered at Leona's watchin' the big screen t.v. When it was time for the Country Jamboree, their eyes popped wide open when they saw Mayor G and Miss Freda live on the t.v. set.

"Folks," Mayor G began, "G-brand squash is proud to ernounce that we is the new sponsors of the Country Jamboree. And here's our spokeslady, the reinstated Squash Queen of Slidell, Miss Freda Walker, with a word or two about squash and country music."

"Folks," Miss Freda said, "You need to buy a lots of G-brand squash because it's best fer boilin'." The t.v. watchers at Leona's all nodded their heads in agreement.

"And folks, as the brand new sponsors of the Country Jamboree, I and the good people at G-brand squash are thrilled to tell ya that we has not spared a dime to find top-flight entertainment fer our customers. You won't have to be lookin' at that ol' beanpole P. R. Lagner or that pain-in-the-side duetess of his, that skinny Molly Morton."

Out on the stage, big as life, walked Mr. Johnny Dash and Miss Jill Darter. Without saying a word, they commenced to singing, "It was a 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953 Lincoln automobile. I made it one piece at a time…"

Toby stood up in front of the crowd at Leona's and said, "That all just goes to prove how lucky we people in Slidell and the surrounding squash fields are to have Miss Freda Walker back wearing her zucchini tiara." Then he left to check on the atomic briefcase bomb he keeps in the trunk of his squad car in case there's ever any riots in Slidell. I'll tell you about that for next time, but for now, relax, because things are back to normal in squash country. And remember, eat a lot of squash, because Ol' Doc Miles says squash is better for your health rip to the spas at Hot Springs, Arkansas. He's 92 years old and still practicing medicine, so he bears listening to.

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