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Surfer Stud

It was in late May at 3:20, the time of the crime. Pinky, who weighed two twenty as well as Mousy and Candy (the former was a ratty-faced punker, the latter the third daughter of a defrocked member of the clergy) all had decided to get Meredith the prom queen for bringing Hank to the dance.

Palm Springs had changed, like Hank himself, who was the high school twink of the year. He used to be just a regular guy, a mechanic who suddenly was discovered by Morty Robbins, the publicity agent and movie producer who just wanted a sticker at the Palm Springs gas pump.

Morty was taken with Hank’s good looks and biceps. He was reviving a beach party movie about a surfer in Malibu and it was great fun for Hank. But his old band, the Talking Dalmatians (Pinky on drums, Mousy on bass and Candy on lead guitar) were angry that stardom had first come to him and only to him, although he promised to ask Morty if one of their songs could be used in the movie “Surfer Stud.”

Morty was short and built and stood kind of sideways. He had thick black curly hair, a deep tan and hypnotized eyes.

“For you, anything. Just stay the weekend, so we can sign you up.”

“Sure, Mr. Robbins.”

“Call me Mort.”

“Mort…”

Morty was enamored by Hank. He couldn’t believe his luck, and Hank was so accommodating, phlegmatic and easygoing that he gave him a contract, no questions asked, even before his screen test.

“You know, Hank, I’d rather know you than the President.”

“You know him, don’t you?”

“I’ve known three of them.”

“Mr. Robbins, how did you make it? I mean, Mort.”

“Well, in Hollywood it’s all whom you get to know… to get in circulation, then it gets in your blood. I’ve done everything here from writing scripts, to directing, producing, and doing publicity work. I never married.”

Mort looks up to Hank, who stands there like a contented Neptune. He is white-blond, shirtless and wears pale print beach pants tied on with a slipknot.

“I don’t blame you. My parents are divorced, and even blame me for that. I never had a meal without them fighting, with each other and with me. That’s why I took up karate, in self-defense. Once at practice I almost killed a guy.”

“You’re someone valuable to have around. I could use a bodyguard.”

“I was a lifeguard one summer.”

“They said you were the best surfer on the Coast.”

“Maybe on the Web.”

“Well, Hank, you’ll get places.”

“Mort, I’m all set to go…”

“I thought you wouldn’t mind my company.”

“Did you know Rock Hudson?”

“In my younger days I knew Alain Delon, too. You remind me of him.”

“My mother was French, from Montreal.”

“Interessant.”

“I was good in languages.”

“It will help, Hank, in the different parts I have for you. I’ve saved the best part for later.”

“Cool.”

Hank eventually moves in with Mort during the filming of “Surfer Stud,” making this male starlet’s career suddenly skyrocket. Even thought the Palm Springs teenagers find it amazing to see Hank as a superstar, Morty thought it would be good publicity for Hank to attend the prom with Meredith. But the Talking Dalmatians had other ideas for Meredith. They dressed up in dog costumes.

As Morty and Hank drive up with Meredith in a Citroen, the gang started barking and singing, one couldn’t tell the difference. The publicity cameras record Hank walking with Meredith, who was in a white dress. Pinky throws a pink dye from the chemists’ on Meredith whose face becomes putrid and deformed. Hank wrestles Pinky to the floor. This is the type of publicity the movie industry doesn’t need, and Morty and Hank flee the scene back to Malibu for a quickie sequel, “Surfer Stud II.”

Morty sees to it that Meredith gets a clean bill of health plus the part of an extra in a movie.

She arrives with an obsession for Hank. Morty quietly speaks to Hank during the final scene of his new picture.

“Are you going with Meredith? It’s not my business, Hank… during this movie, if you need to relax… I’ll understand.”

“Morty, that’s great, but I’m not interested in a relationship with her.”

“You’re all right, kid. I won’t forget this from you.”

Meredith is tall with a heroic figure and long flaxen hair. In her white swimsuit, she calls out to Hank.

“Hank, honey, you look great. Morty kind of looked at me funny when I showed up. This is the right date for me, isn’t it?”

“He’s a little antsy. It’s one of the last few takes of the picture. You are going to be on one of them. All is cool.”

“Great. I feel badly, Hank, about the prom. I won’t get in your way. I know you’re trying to advance your career, but be careful. You wouldn’t want to go totally queer.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I always suspected the only reason you took me to the prom was to use me, but maybe that’s what the movie life is about. See you around.”

“You take care. You look wonderful.”

Meredith stares at Hank pointedly but lovingly.

“Last week at the prom I thought my life was over. The Talking Dalmatians are washed up now, at least. Are you just using Morty like you use me? I want to know now. Maybe you only love yourself, or your idol, Rock Hudson. After graduation I saved the posters from your locker.”

“Don’t you ever talk about Rock.”

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