Hitting the Books
by Jonathan Penton

So the other night I'm in a Blockbuster Video store. What in the hell, you ask, was I doing in such a blight on the ass of civilized cinema? Obviously, I was there in search of something to bitch about for my next article.

So there I am, looking for Barry Lyndon, and unable to find it in the drama section, next to Big Daddy and Bordello of Blood. Sitting in this field of mediocrity, something occurred to me.

When a young man or woman first announces a desire to write, the first thing he or she is likely to hear is, "The competition is very, very, very fierce." What is less often mentioned is, "The competition is very, very incompetent." Let's be frank: most aspiring writers suck.

I have to reject a lot of poetry and fiction. And, of course, there are lots of different reasons that I might have to reject a piece: it's too light or cute for my target audience, the writer hasn't properly developed his or her style, the piece is confusing, the message of the piece is immature, or the piece simply doesn't speak to me. Very frequently, I reject some of a writer's works and accept others, or reject a writer's works as being inappropriate, but encourage them to send me more. Rejection is a constant in any writer's life, and I'm certainly not saying that all, or most, of the works I reject suck. (After all, I attract a high-class crowd.)

Still, it's amazing to me how many people combine a poor understanding of the English language with a poor understanding of human nature, a poorly thought-out plot, and no real idea what they're trying to say. Or, worse, a moral statement that they ripped from Cosmo or The Little Engine Who Could.

If it were only people sending in submissions to me, I wouldn't say anything. I'm really not trying to embarrass people. But one sees garbage everywhere. How many stories have you read that feature a child that thinks like an eight-year-old in one scene, then thinks like a sixteen-year-old in the next, so that the author can show innocence and wisdom whenever he or she thinks it will be dramatic? How often have you met literary characters whose primary motivation seems to be not love, or greed, or human emotion, but a desire to move along the plot? How often have you had a third-grade morality pushed down your throat by a writer who sounds like they've never considered the ramifications of their moral code -- or the fact that other moral codes exist? If you've read, you've suffered through such shit a lot. And there's absolutely no reason for it.

Now, I'm not talking about writers like John Grisham and Barbara Taylor Bradford. They are good at what they do. What they write isn't literature, and it's not trying to be. If you read or write for Unlikely Stories, Grisham and Bradford aren't your competition. It's a different type of writing, and we have no business being jealous of their success, just because we think we write better than they do. They aren't writing what we do.

I'm talking about Glen Fletcher, aka BABYMASH. BABYMASH can be found on rec.arts.poems, rec.arts.poetry, and a number of New Zealand Usenet groups. He writes highly symbolic political poetry. Some people like it, some people don't. If you express dislike for it, BABYMASH cusses you out.

Ladies and gentleman, BABYMASH sucks. I'm not going to critique exactly what's wrong with his poetry, because no one (least of all him) cares, and I've received submissions far worse than BABYMASH's works. But any writer who has stopped learning, and gets angry with you for trying to help him learn, is a waste of fucking protoplasm. He self-publishes and advertises in Usenet exclusively because he's not willing to have to put up with rejection, critique, or anything else that might force him to develop as an artist. He has something to say, but it's not very original, and he doesn't care if you understand it or not. He'd rather label you stupid than admit he doesn't know all there is to know about expression. And he is not alone.

I get a lot of work these days from people who found me in The Poet's Market or The Novel and Short Story Writer's Market. Most of these submissions come via snail mail. Some are excellent, some suck. Many of them come with letters addressed,

"Dear Editor:"

Now, anyone with half a brain can tell you that if I publish my name in my Poet's Market listing, it's because I like to be addressed by my name, not by "Editor" or "Whom it May Concern." But even if you don't have half a brain, both the Poet's Market and Novel and Short Story Writer's Market have articles, in the very front, stressing the importance of addressing an editor by name. So how do these people fail to do so?

I don't reject submissions over this, of course. But it does make me question a writer's dedication to the craft.

Literature isn't an easy profession like medical research or molecular biology. It's not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. There's no other way to approach it. If you're going to get good at it, you've got to give up everything. Yes, talent helps, and maybe you're talented. But if you think talent is going to make you into a writer, you are gravely mistaken. You've got to spend every hour of every day contemplating your craft. You've got to read everything you can get your hands on (and if you think you can write more than you've read, don't send your shit to me, 'cause YOU SUCK). And you've got to spend every moment contemplating your subject. If you're a man or woman of literature, as opposed to a pulp writer, your subject is people. If you aren't trying your best to understand them, get out of the pool.

So writing is hard. Fortunately, most of the people calling themselves writers aren't really interested in learning how to do it. Either they're writing because they need a hobby, or because they feel they have something to share with the ignorant world, or because they crave fame and have somehow convinced themselves that writing is easier than acting. So, if you're serious about it, don't worry about talent. If you really understand what's required, and are willing to spend your entire life studying, you'll probably excel, just by default. And if you are talented, and know it, and have found that no one cares, it's time that you gave up your ego and started figuring out what you still need to know.

Jonathan Penton is the overworked editor and publisher of Unlikely Stories. Check out his literary works at this site.