How to Annoy an Editor
by Jonathan Penton

OK, budding writers, lets talk about cover letters.

Of particular entertainment value is the magazine Writer's Digest. Writer's Digest does a brisk business in teaching writers how to sell literature to the lowest common denominator. Open any copy of Writer's Digest and you'll be delighted with advice on pacing, suspense, and the fine production of schlock.

On the other hand, Writer's Digest also produces a series of annual books that list potential publishers: Books like Poet's Market, Writer's Market, and Novel and Short Story Writer's Market not only list magazines and imprints that will consider your work, but also offer tons of helpful advice on getting your work due (or undue) consideration. Take heed: Writer's Digest knows everything there is to know about getting published. The magazine helps you prostitute your so-called art to facilitate this. Writer's Digest's books teach you how to get your foot in the door.

Unlikely Stories is listed in both the Poet's Market and Novel and Short Story Writer's Market. Both these books include articles that offer advice on writing a good cover letter. Based on the cover letters I get, I can safely say these articles aren't being read.

Now, the cover letter in the age of the Internet is a half-assed, dying breed. And that's OK. I don't need your address and phone number with your e-mailed cover letter. If you e-mail me, I'm going to e-mail you back. I'm not going to call, and why would you want me to? Frankly, I don't need a cover letter at all. If you don't feel like writing one, don't bother. Just include the phrase "Unlikely Stories" in your subject header so I'll know I'm not being spammed by a company that advertises in iambic pentameter, and we'll do fine.

But let's say you want to introduce yourself to me. After all, you already believe that you're a good writer of literature; surely it's even easier to become a good writer of cover letters. Now, a few of the people who send work to Unlikely Stories actually want to talk to me, beyond being published. Why? I have no fucking idea. I'm an editor, for g-d's sake. Which is to say I'm a frustrated writer who lacks the motivation to finish a book. Writers are typically assholes (and I know a lot of them); it stands to reason that an editor, who is a frustrated writer, is going to be even more of an asshole.

But that's best left alone. If you want to both submit work and engage me in conversation, well, good luck. Today we're going to offer a cover letter writing class for those of you who wish to submit work to me, but would rather keep the conversation to a professional minimum.

Like I say, most journals these days, especially Internet journals, don't require cover letters. But for the few which do, and for the many people who wish to use them, here are five sample cover letters, from best to worst. We'll start with Adam Pepper's:

Dear Mr. Penton:

I found your listing in Writer's Digest's Novel & Short Story Writer's Market 2000. After looking over your site, I must say I enjoyed it thoroughly. My personal favorite was Lisa Witkowski's "After the Fact."

My writing credentials include writing articles and reviews for New Woman Magazine and Woman's Day as well as writing for the Gannett Suburban newspaper chain. However, my creative writing is much darker than the "puff pieces" I write for those publications (not to belittle my own credits, but it's the truth). I recently finished my first novel, a dark fantasy/horror piece for which I am searching for representation.

Per your guidelines, I have submitted three poems for your consideration. You may find them intriguing.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, Adam Pepper

First, Adam knows my name. An excellent start. He claims to have read and enjoyed my site. That not only appeases my vanity, but serves a practical purpose: if Adam has read my site, he is likely to submit work that he thinks appropriate. He is not spamming me; he is selecting poems that he thinks that I might enjoy. (He also claims to have read my submission guidelines.

He then goes on to, by mentioning a specific piece, PROVE that he's read my site. I can't emphasize this idea enough. It's all very well to tell me "Hey I love your site publish my stuff," but it's another thing to demonstrate that you've read and considered the work you've found here.

He then gives me a very short list of credits, which he promptly belittled. I like that.

Here's another good cover letter:

Dear Jonathan Penton:

I like UNLIKELY STORIES very much, and want to get in on the action in the worst way.

Please consider this short story for publication. It's about mainlining morphine with a streetwalker in the back of a church in the People's Republic of China.

I will send you more of my stuff in a couple of days.

My nonfiction appears in Salon.com and, far more impressively, EXQUISITE CORPSE. Here's a link:

http://corpse.org/issue_3/secret_agents/bradley.html

Also in the mighty CORPSE, there is a strange review of one of my novels:

http://corpse.org/issue_3/secret_agents/johan.html

Various of my novels have been nominated for The Editor's Book Award and the New York University Bobst Prize, and one was a finalist in the AWP Award Series in the Novel. My short stories have been nominated for Pushcart Prizes. A couple were translated and published in Japanese, or so I've been told.

Excerpts, blurbs and reviews of my works, and recorded readings, plus weird pictures, can be found at my website, http://literati.net/Bradley

And here is my submission—

Now, what did we learn here? Tom knew my name. Again, a good starting point. He claims to have read Unlikely Stories, although he didn't choose to subtly prove it. He mentioned his credits, while at the same time being somewhat dismissive about them. First, he claims that Exquisite Corpse is a higher credit than Salon.com, even though Salon has an ungodly huge readership. He also says that his works were translated into Japanese, "or so I've been told." He knows goddamn well whether or not his work has been translated into Japanese. He also knows that I know that that isn't necessarily a mark of quality, but I digress. His fiction isn't long, but it isn't ultra-short either, so he gives me a one-sentence synopsis of it (a longer synopsis would only be redundant).

He gives me links. That's cool. I could click them if I wanted to, which of course I don't. I spend far too much time reading off this computer screen to chase down every link this guy can provide, but they're there if I want them. One interesting thing that this guy did was give me a link to a review of his work, which is kinda different and therefore a good thing.

Here's a mediocre example:

Dear Jonathan,

I am a published writer whose short stories and poems have appeared in The Detroit Metro Times, Ann Arbor Agenda, New Paradigm, and Linewalkers, as well as student publications at Eastern Michigan University. Since graduating from college, I have traveled all over the world, from Central America to the Far East and to Europe. I am currently an editor and freelance writer for the Gale Group, one of the world's preeminent publishers of academic, educational and business research reference books.

In XXXXX, I have tried to articulate the attempts at survival in a small-town world where happiness does not arrive in snug packages. Instead, it comes in more unusual allotments. Although nothing much occurs to the characters in this story, feelings of emptiness and alienation create a sense of despair, boredom, and absurdity. The loneliness and quiet struggle of the characters provides the groundwork for the story. I snagged the title from a line in an E.E. Cummings poem.

A friend of mine sent me the URL to your journal several months ago and I've been a devoted reader ever since. I believe my story will make a fine addition to your excellent literary journal.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Once again, this guy knew my name and claimed to read Unlikely Stories, though he didn't prove it. He then gives me a short list of credits, and a couple of utterly irrelevant comments about how well-traveled he is. His description of his story goes a little longer than it needs to, however, the origin of the title is an interesting tidbit, since I would not learn that by reading the story. So. This letter neither excited me nor caused me to question the author's sanity.

Here's a bad one:

Dear Editors:

I was born and raised in New Hampshire, have degrees from Dartmouth College and Harvard Medical School, and have been a pediatrician in inner-city Philadelphia for the past twenty years. I write to survive. I started sending work a year and a half ago with very modest goals (I hoped to have a half dozen poems published by my fiftieth birthday in 2004) but have had somewhat surprising success, with well over 250 poems accepted or published by more than one hundred journals including American Writing, The Café Review, Feminist Studies, and most recently, Whiskey Island Magazine and Rattle. A book of my "medical" poems, XXXXX, has been published this month by The People’s Press in Baltimore and a chapbook of very different material, "I am going to walk toward the sanctuary," will be published this summer by Nepenthe Books/Via Dolorosa Press. I received a Pushcart nomination for an experimental piece (from Gravity Presses) in 2000, my first year of submission. My children and I are shocked by this success. I welcome your comments on the following pieces. Thank you for your consideration,

Respectfully,

OK, so this person has clearly never read Unlikely Stories. She doesn't know my name. She assumes I am more than one person. She tells me about her huge list of credits, and inexplicably mentions her children, which is doubly funny since this is an extremely impersonal letter. This letter made me feel that I am one of a thousand solicited magazines, another stepping stone in this writer's desire to be a diety of the small press. Whether or not I published her work seemed immaterial. The letter is without humor of any kind.

Speaking of humor, I now present the worst cover letter I've ever received. I hope you enjoy this last letter as much as I did.

To Whom It May Concern,

I believe that one's art should speak for itself, though a brief biography of myself and my work is a due necessity involved within the publishing procedure, Thus for the record,…

I am a recent graduate of SUNY Albany University wherein I studied English Literature and the Dramatic Arts.

I have published a collection of epic poems with SZTAFETA Press., entitled XXXXX of which a complementary copy is available upon request. Along with my several novels and short stories I have written two full scale operas, one of whom, XXXXX, has been premiered in the Baroque Church of Saint Barbara, in Ulanow Poland, to grand acclaim.

My many plays have been circulated throughout America and Europe, and my latest theatrical endeavor, XXXXX, is being considered for production in a number of drama companies across the country.

Being a visual artist whose young life was dedicated to creating countless paintings and sculptural works, I am also a talented musician and inventor. Assisting my father, the world renown sculptor XXXXX, at the John Atelier of Sculpture, in the conception of some of our time's finest monuments, I have been privileged to encounter, during my short lifetime, a gathering of the world's most notable and respective creative minds. Nonetheless, my most subtle love remains mid Poetry, an art form I have been carefully cultivating since the age of five.

Essentially, I am a beginning poet who thirsts for variety and experience,… Always open to peoples' opinion regarding my inspirational efforts, and would be honoured to have You Read My Work. I possess a deep sense of humility and will gracefully accept any criticism You may offer, be it optimistic or not. Either way, I thank Thee for taking the time to evaluate my literary gift, "If You Deem I Am In Possession Of One", and am anxiously awaiting Your In Depth response to my soul's simple voice. All in all we are alive and must see how others breathe to truly fathom who we art inherently!

Sincerely yours,

Jonathan Penton is the overworked editor and publisher of Unlikely Stories. Check out his literary works at this site.