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Upper West

CHARACTERS:

The Teenage Group Members:

Steve
Jerry
Salim
Clyde
Roberta

Dr. Felder (Group Leader)

STEVE: I heard, Jerry, our shrink was vacationing in Vienna; he's supposed to be here today though... (Looks at his watch.)

JERRY: He's going to be traumatized; all his family were murdered there.

STEVE: I've got my own troubles... I'm dying for sex.

SALIM: You and the President -- well, at least he's fucking only around with cunts, and not countries.

CLYDE: Give me a break, Richard! Rwanda, Haiti, Yugoslavia, Somalia...

ROBERTA: Oh, you men!

SALIM: Do you think because you are dressed as a woman you are one, Roberta?

ROBERTA: And do you know what a woman is?

SALIM: Last year you seemed to be the androgyny poster boy.

ROBERTA: And what were you?

SALIM: I was Tyrone, and the chimp and pimp for you.

ROBERTA: I helped you out, my guerilla street fighter...until we were caught...

SALIM: My great heroine, Roberta... You were a holy roller on Sunday morning and you rolled others Sunday night.

ROBERTA: So you implying I'm schizophrenic or double minded between two sexes and two ways of life?

SALIM: You were more streetwise at sixteen than I.

ROBERTA: I ran away from home at fifteen and some college boys put me up in their dorm...

STEVE: They put you down too, Roberta.

ROBERTA: You think you've got sex problems, Steve?

STEVE: Sure... I'm either with Jerry or you...

CLYDE: At least he's got his arms around somebody.

STEVE: Well, you're only interested in causes, Clyde.

JERRY: Stop causing trouble with Clyde. He's even more in trouble with the cops than you, Roberta.

ROBERTA: Aren't we all in some trouble? But I will say some uniforms turn me on.

CLYDE: You have a fascist streak...

ROBERTA: At least you are for us women.

CLYDE: Rights are always caused by the wronged.

STEVE: But I need to see Dr. Felder, because I've been victimized by you... You stole my Prozac.

CLYDE: What could I do? I was desperate.

STEVE: You're always a desperado. You would have made a good pirate or bandito.

CLYDE: I wanted to be a revolutionary when I was twelve.

JERRY: You're like me, a loser without a mezzuzah.

ROBERTA: Jerry's the cutest of all.

STEVE: I think so, especially in a bathing suit. I've been trying to get in touch with Dr. Felder at home all morning. I need the group... Just 'cause it's August he doesn't have to leave us.

ROBERTA: He's doing his thing.

STEVE: What's that, Roberta? You got secret info?

SALIM: She knows what makes his pants pant...

ROBERTA: I know what all of you want and what I could give you...except for Clyde...

CLYDE: Why have I always been the exception, the outsider, the marginal guy, the last picked for the high school baseball team?

SALIM: You think you know it all, Clyde, more than Karl Marx...

ROBERTA: I knew a dude named Karl up on the East Side. He was cool...until I met his brother Kyle. He had a great system. He'd steal new books in the morning and I'd return them and get my cut...

JERRY: Cut if off... But you won't, Roberta, because you like it this way -- being one of the guys and yet the girl every guy wants. You're basically a tease.

ROBERTA: Listen, Dr. Felder said this group was for all of us and no one was gonna be the leader.

STEVE: You couldn't lead any of us except to bed.

ROBERTA: That's your trouble, Steve. You are a sex addict.

SALIM: You should talk, Roberta. I remember the night you tried to turn on the doc.

ROBERTA: It was 'cause I had too many hormones; I overdosed.

SALIM: You are always overdosed on something.

ROBERTA: Screw you, Salim. You wouldn't be anything without me. I'm your walking stick.

SALIM: You want to be my slave.

CLYDE: Slavery is only a notion...

ROBERTA: That's your opinion, Clyde, baby, that's all... I can live without any of you.

STEVE: Then why do you stay in the group?

JERRY: For the attention of all of us.

ROBERTA: Steve and Jerry, why do you two guys stay together?

STEVE: The three-letter word that turns the world around.

CLYDE: I forgot my medication and I may have an episode or a seizure.

STEVE: That's your fifteen minutes.

JERRY: I hear Dr. Felder's steps.

ROBERTA: You're obsessed with him, like he's your father or something.

JERRY: I never had one. He ran out on me...

DR. FELDER: Well, how are you all?

ROBERTA: I missed you, Dr. Felder.

STEVE: Brown-noser...

JERRY: Steve and I are sex buddies, but he's always going after something else...

STEVE: I'm not loyal. So what? I'm not anyone's puppy and I hate puppy love.

JERRY: You're always in heat, you know.

SALIM: This fightin' goes on all the time. That's what makes them horny.

JERRY: How would you know, Salim? You're afraid of me...of what you'll do with me...

SALIM: I'm not interested in you, Jerry...not that way. No way!

STEVE: Jerry's wild for you, Salim...

JERRY: Doc, I just don't think I can forget my fantasy about Salim.

DR. FELDER: It's always someone, Jerry. It used to be that guy in the bathhouse. Whatever happened to him?

JERRY: They closed the bathhouse... I found him again in an adult movie theater but he was already preoccupied...

CLYDE: The Doctor's right; you never get enough, Jerry.

JERRY: You never get any.

CLYDE: Maybe that's why I think straight.

ROBERTA: That's a laugh. You once tried on my pumps.

CLYDE: It was Halloween...and I tried to do Madonna in the karaoke bar.

STEVE: I think you'd make a good girl any time.

CLYDE: It's probably easier than finding a good girl.

ROBERTA: You know, Clyde, so-called revolutionaries like you are all prudes.

CLYDE: Why don't you find out, Roberta?

ROBERTA: I had some muscleman that Halloween* night, if I recall...

CLYDE: That's your trouble; you can't remember half of them.

DR. FELDER: Did you all miss me?

(Whistles from group, "Sure did", etc.)

JERRY: I couldn't live without you...

DR. FELDER: It was rough being in Vienna.

SALIM: Rough trade.

DR. FELDER: You might say that. I tried to end my life.

STEVE: This is serious.

DR. FELDER: I wondered there what life was really w orth to authority*, but I thought of you guys back on the West Side and I decided to live longer...

CLYDE: You were kidding, doc...

DR. FELDER: You think because I'm a doctor I don't think about it?

ROBERTA: You wouldn't; it's not right... What would we do?

DR. FELDER: Find somebody else I guess to do group.

STEVE: We tried to have group by ourselves but it didn't work out...it was more like getting our anger and energy out...

JERRY: I tire him out.

STEVE: You'd tire out Schwartzenegger.

CLYDE: Isn't he from Vienna?

DR. FELDER: Maybe so... I tried to forget when I was there... But I couldn't forget the stories about my family...

ROBERTA: At least you had one...

DR. FELDER: They were murdered for no reason.

CLYDE: There's always a reason for rational minds.

DR. FELDER: Maybe the times weren't rational...

CLYDE: Too easy an answer...

DR. FELDER: Anyway, I made it home.

ROBERTA: I want us to feel naked... Could we all strip?

JERRY: I'm for it... How about it?

DR. FELDER: I don't think that is appropriate. One doesn't have to be stripped bare, even in Vienna, to see what men can do...

ROBERTA: You'd like to see me bare though wouldn't you, Doc?

DR. FELDER: I'd like to see you better.

ROBERTA: But then I couldn't see you anymore...

CLYDE: Do you think I'm crazy, Doc?

DR. FELDER: No, not at all, Clyde.

CLYDE: I'm coming over to strip you, Doc.

STEVE: Cool. Let's get some action going.

CLYDE: Just kiddin', doc. I need my prescription renewed.

DR. FELDER: Sure... Salim, you're awfully quiet today.

SALIM: I'm burned out... I keep getting into trouble...

CLYDE: He is trouble.

SALIM: What do you know about it?

CLYDE: I've seen you with Roberta out and about.

SALIM: What's it to you?

DR. FELDER: Salim, what's wrong today?

SALIM: I don't know what getting better is...

CLYDE: It's coping...not letting life slide by.

SALIM: You're not my doctor, Clyde.

(Dr. Felder starts to weep.)

DR. FELDER: My own father spoke German...but I couldn't bear it... I left the Conference early, yet I felt guilty, but no one around me did.

CLYDE: How do you know that?

DR. FELDER: I saw some Nazi skinheads and it alarmed me.

CLYDE: Can't blame you. They've harassed me.

DR. FELDER: It brought up too much of why I am here.

JERRY: Why are you here, Doc?

DR. FELDER: For healing you, I guess...and for healing for myself.

(Clyde has a violent seizure.)

DR. FELDER: My God, he wanted help and I'm always late. Salim, get him a spoon.

(Salim takes a spoon out of his knapsack.)

ROBERTA: I think God can heal him.

JERRY: You're nuts, Roberta. You want my nuts.

ROBERTA: You're screwy. Steve, how can you stand him?

STEVE: I'd like to sit on him...

JERRY: It's all sexual politics.

SALIM: I need a fix.

DR. FELDER: We'll fix you up with methadone.

SALIM: No, I decided to rob the pharmacy before I came in... But you gonna do something about it, Doc?

ROBERTA: I went with him... The stuff is in my accessory bag...

SALIM: Gonna turn us in?

ROBERTA: Or do you want us to turn you on, Doc?

DR. FELDER: I'm tempted...and I've been tempted before...

ROBERTA: Deliver us from temptations.

JERRY: It's that religious stuff.

SALIM: Leave her alone.

DR. FELDER: Clyde, are you all right?

CLYDE: She's got religious ideation. Sometimes she's Mary Magdalene, other times like a nun.

DR. FELDER: It's sweltering here... Where is the air conditioning?

STEVE: Why don't you strip? Too ashamed, Doc, to show us what you really are all about?

DR. FELDER: My body isn't everything.

SALIM: It's probably bad news.

ROBERTA: Are you hairless, Doc? Just wondering...

(Dr. Felder removes his tie.)

CLYDE: I don't like this stripping...it makes me uncomfortable.

DR. FELDER: No one is going to strip.

(Jerry takes off his pants.)

JERRY: I've got nothing to be ashamed about.

DR. FELDER: This is out of hand.

SALIM: Doc could lose his license and we'd be out of luck.

DR. FELDER: I brought a film of Vienna in 1938. Salim, would you put it on for me? You see, this guy in the middle was my father.

SALIM: But he was beaten up. Why didn't he fight back?

CLYDE: They should have been better organized.

ROBERTA: Didn't he pray?

JERRY: Your father, he was killed, is that right?

DR. FELDER: Just for being who he was... Salim, shut off the video.

STEVE: I need some pleasure. Who wants all this death talk and pain? Besides, it's old news.

CLYDE: No it isn't, Steve.

STEVE: You think, Clyde, by passing out some leaflets you're going to change history?

CLYDE: Maybe somebody.

STEVE: Or you, Roberta, when you're on your religious kick handing out pictures about heaven or hell... Who can deal with it?

ROBERTA: Those who can.

CLYDE: I like your dress, Roberta.

ROBERTA: You'd like to be my master or slave or what?

CLYDE: No, I just want us to be really equal.

ROBERTA: You never think I'm your equal, Clyde...don't give me that bull.

SALIM: Leave him alone...

Clyde takes out a handgun from his bag and shoots wildly.

CLYDE: Counter-revolutionaries, all of you...egomaniacs... I thought they were only blanks...

THE END

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