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All's Hell That Ends Well
Characters:
Top
Bottom
Narcissus
Top: Oh, the stocks have really hit bottom.
Narcissus: You used to put Bottom in the stocks.
Bottom: I hated being in the closet. Now I've lost my bonds, my stocks, and I'm back in bondage.
Top: Serves you right. That's how we met, in the meat market basement and bar.
Bottom: There is no justice in that bar.
Narcissus: That's where you met me.
Top: Narcissus, you were the judge and jury of that bar. A bouncer like you decided who could come and who could go.
Narcissus: I didn't have that much power.
Top: You couldn't resist me.
Bottom: You overpowered me, Top, too.
Top: You were an easy trip. I could just sit on you.
Bottom: What a bully.
Narcissus: Oh, it wasn't just love at first sight.
Top: That's for the fairy tales.
Bottom: Top was dressed in black leather. I could tell he was making a play for me.
Top: He is the greatest English playwright since Shakespeare.
Bottom: I miss Miss Shakespeare.
Top: I gave you the best parts.
Bottom: Shakespeare gave me the world.
Top: You broke up with her the night I met you.
Bottom: Only because you threatened her.
Top: Shakespeare was sexy but she tried to get the better of me.
Bottom: Fascist.
Narcissus: I wouldn't go that far.
Bottom: Narcissus, you went the limit. Remember when you wanted to replace Jesus as my star in "Crucifixion Times?"
Narcissus: I loved Jesus.
Bottom: Once upon a time.
Narcissus: Jesus was the most beautiful Spanish-Jewish actor of his time.
Top: He was a magician.
Bottom: Marrano pig.
Top: I saw Jesus on Broadway.
Bottom: He was always telling me to go the narrow way. I still love him.
Top: What do you know of love?
Bottom: Jesus promised me a part in the resurrection.
Top: All you got were bit parts in Sodom.
Bottom: But they said I was good.
Top: That New York, former English Talmudic critic whom you gave the business to and paid him off to give you a decent review in Hustle Bustle.
Narcissus: Liar. Bottom was terrific in Sodom, and that ending. It can never be repeated.
Bottom: Jesus promised me a part in the sequel in paradise.
Top: He lied as usual.
Narcissus: You're the liar, Top.
Top: All Bottom can do is what I have him do.
Bottom: You never really knew Jesus.
Top: I never wanted to. You could never get anywhere with him. And don't give me that line he was the love of your life.
Bottom: I met him in the bar.
Top: He wasn't naked as you until the critics destroyed him.
Narcissus: He was banned in Boston; panned in Philadelphia. He did have an audience once in London and Tel Aviv once upon a time.
Top: Everyone wants to be Jesus or act like Jesus. That's his trouble. But Narcissus, you outlived him and got to play his part.
Narcissus: Only part-time.
(Top pinches Narcissus on the behind.)
Narcissus: Screw you. You are behind the times, isn't he, Bottom? He's just pate.
Bottom: Top's passé.
Top: You think I'm leftover meat.
Narcissus: Chopped liver.
Top: But Bottom still lets me eat him up.
Narcissus: Does he have any choice on the menu?
Top: He sees me in leather and he melts. Don't you, Bottom?
Bottom: I confessed that to Jesus the night of our premier.
Top: And what did your gorgeous Jesus tell you to do about me? Leave me?
Bottom: He left it up to me.
Top: Jesus played his part; that guy thought he was God.
Narcissus: Some of the crowds cheered him.
Bottom: He gave a great performance.
Top: On you, on the weak-minded, sentimental audience there that night. I remember it well. All the tears and schlock.
Narcissus: You were there just to beat him up.
Top: You were his rival, Narcissus, for the great revival of his play.
Narcissus: They revive it every year.
Top: It's only a play on words, I told Miss Shakespeare; words, words, and more words.
Bottom: You miss Miss Shakespeare. She was your rival, Top. Admit it, you couldn't compete with him even when you were going for Oscar or Tony.
Top: You don't know a thing about it.
Bottom: Jesus knew about it.
Narcissus: If I can admit that Jesus was my rival, why can't you admit Shakespeare was yours?
Top: You're full of it. You know that Shakespeare never wrote those plays and Jesus was a myth.
Narcissus: You wish it. When I starred in The Playboy of the Western World I was told I was as great as a goddess.
Top: That was a mistake on their part. You were a flop.
Narcissus: That's not what the critic Mr. Bustle said.
Top: He is a top. He's paid off.
Narcissus: What is his payment?
Top: Twenty lbs. of silver. I paid him myself.
Narcissus: You never wanted one good word said about me. You'd never do me a favor.
Top: In my own interest, Narcissus, I paid with interest.
Narcissus: You are disinterested in anyone but yourself.
Top: Me, Narcissus? You should talk.
Narcissus: You make me sick.
Top: You won't have a recovery, Narcissus. I choose my interest well. I'm not a floater like you. I'm competitive. My economy is well. I spoke to my economic analyst and my broker and I'm still tops. I just gave a call and I caused Bottom to lose everything we had, and what's more, Bottom likes to be my slave, don't you, my masochist?
Bottom: Whatever you say, boss.
Top: Christ, boy, I know the masochist in him. I've seen him begging for it.
Narcissus: Sadist, pig.
Top: I have all power and I exercise it. (Top takes off his shirt and pulls up weights.) Want to feel my muscles, up and down?
Narcissus: Screw you.
Top: You see possession is nine-tenths of the law and I am my own lawyer.
Narcissus: You think you are greater than any creator, Shakespeare, than me, than Bottom, than even Jesus.
Top: Narcissus, all you do is admire yourself.
Narcissus: You want me but you can't have me. And you can't get in my (crosshairs). All you can get is Bottom of the barrel.
Top: I have a barrel of laughs for Bottom, and now when I put him in the water, even Narcissus will not be able to look at himself.
(Top drags Bottom into a tub.)
Top: Look at Bottom, all of you. See how much he likes it. (Narcissus throws in the tub and then gets in the tub and gazes at the water.)
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