Arms outstretched

I’ve made it to the platform. It’s getting on my nerves the time it takes to get home and now I’ve got twelve minutes until the train comes. Again, everyone around me has their head down, eyes glued to their devices. Not me. My phone stays in my pocket until I get home and have securely locked my front door behind me.

I really like Sam. I enjoyed the last time we’d met when he told me about his beloved football team, and the visit before that when he’d shown me pictures of his daughter.

He gives me a feeling of safety. I’d felt protected by him that very first day when I’d been rushing for my barber’s appointment. I’d been walking, fast, but still had my phone out looking at it.

Searching for pubs to go to for dinner after my haircut, I’d been hurrying, my eyes on my device, but also scanning what was in front of me, well, sort of. This older guy came into my field of view. I’d barely laid eyes on him but I remember thinking he was in his fifties, a couple of decades ahead of me at least. I noticed his hair cut short and he was balding.

He was crouched behind one of those island coffee stands in the middle of the mall, raising his head every so often like he was hiding from someone. I wanted to scope out the coffee island, but I’d also received a message from one of my friends asking what time dinner was on. There didn’t seem anyone behind the counter but when I got closer, I realised the staff were all squatting down too. My phone buzzed. Someone had replied to something I had written on Threads. I’d opened the text from my friend but wanted to look at the reply on Threads and was trying to comprehend what all these hunkered down people were doing.

I could see the tops of the heads of the coffee shop staff as they looked up as if they were listening for something. I was confused as shit.

The older dude spotted me and waved as if he was chucking something but in reverse. Of course, I ignored him. Why wouldn’t I? He seemed nuts. The old guy started shouting and pointing, ‘A guy with a knife. There’s a guy with a knife!’

As Sam grabbed me and pulled me to safety there was a fizz in the air. Was it a fizz? More a hum. Ever since, I’ve been on the lookout for the same thing.

I’d wanted to ask Sam about it ever since. I tried in our first meetings, but I was too ashamed talking about that afternoon, but today I was determined to do it. Sam spreading his arms out wide, I hadn’t expected that. Perhaps that was a sign Sam wanted something from me. Maybe he was looking for a hug, but we’d never embraced before. It threw me. Had our relationship changed, or had I misjudged it, and Sam, from the start?

I haven’t been back to the mall. Six people died. Lots of others were injured. My counsellor said I should visit, not immediately but soon. Apparently, it’s important. My counsellor has also suggested, like some sort of stepping stone, I should pay visits to other big shopping centres beforehand. Get comfortable in those, then try the place where the stabbings happened. I can’t see why. Every trace of that day will be gone. Any hum, like on that afternoon, quieted now. That moment I realised I was in danger, until the guy was shot dead, the hiss only got louder and higher pitched.