La Negrita Chronicles

Scene I: Scandal   (Security guard in beginning scene played by Frankie)

 

     LA NEGRITA

Hi, I’m LA NEGRITA, this is my story, this is my song. Welcome to my world of scandal and oppression. I was on my way to be a kind, gentle and obedient Negress, until I got a phone call from my best friend MACHINE GUN KIKI. She requested I immediately come to her rescue at the Institution of Achievement for Colored Ritards. She’s always going off complaining about white people this, white people that. Trying to disrupt the order of things. But this is the circle of life. This is social structure. There’s no such thing as social mobility, or racial mobility! So I know my place in society, it’s the back of the bus for me! That’s how I got here! Colored folks ain’t got no cars. It’s okay though, white people aren’t that bad…(whispers to audience) just don’t tell MACHINE GUN KIKI I said that!

 

     MACHING GUN KIKI

(whispers in a strained voice.) La Negrita.

 

     LA NEGRITA

Yes menina?

 

     KIKI

Hold my hand.

 

     LA NEGRITA

But menina, how am I to hold your hand?

 

(KIKI looks down at her wrists to see that they are bandaged and hand-cuffed to the bed. Security guard surround her.)

 

     LA NEGRITA

Menina, your hands.

 

     KIKI

(Getting upset.) THEY DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!

 

     LA NEGRITA

Who did this to you menina? (Rushes to friend, on knees, holds on to the one free finger that has escaped the bandage.)

 

     KIKI

Who do you think?

 

     LA NEGRITA

Yo no se menina.

 

     KIKI

(says to audience.) It was the whhhhhites! The same people responsible for tricking blacks into thinking they are helping when in reality they started it all. They are arrogant and carry privileges only they understand. Jungle Fever, oppression. They condemn us. They kiss their children on the lips, walk them on leashes, and leave them alone in an empty room: A cold bassinet. They ignore their cries and instead train them like puppies to “self soothe”; A ritual foreign and paradoxical to us. Creating Twitter accounts for their unborn children.

     Beat.

They put alien objects like cucumbers, broccoli, carrots, tulips, kale chips and cinnamon sticks in their water to drink. What are they, fuckin wood nymphs?

     Beat.

Turn 18, kick you out the house.   

     Beat.

White America got everything and some. They love America and name it after their arrogance. and always name their children after themselves I, II, III, IV. White athletes snort Adderall in their locker rooms! Unprotected sex… Leaving behind their IPads at the gym. Trips to exotic places on Spring break…

     Beat.

Use measuring cups when they’re cooking… The Cups Song. Solo cups.

     Beat.

Changing the color of their hair like we change the textures of our weaves. Touching ethnic hair… All white people look the same. Their blonde hair blends with their translucent, never-been-touched-by-the-sun, Edward Cullen skin. Don’t get too close, or our make-up will stain their pale, pasty faces. White people be the devil. White people got me FUCKED UP. They be the bane of my existence.

     Beat.

White people do not bathe regularly. Lice… White people have hair they can wash every day, but often don’t condition. They shampoo, rinse, repeat.---(pause. Awkward silence.) They have this hair, that just grows overnight and changes texture with length. One minute it’s all short and straight, the next it grows all long and curly.

     Beat.

White people CRAY---Pools in their backyard. White people wear swimming caps to the swimming pool, making the oldies look like a wrinkly penis wearing a condom.

     Beat.

I don’t know anyone whose favorite color is white. I don’t know anyone who likes white chocolate! They love hockey too much. Bird watching…white people have time for that. White people eat sandwiches and milk for breakfast, dinner AND lunch. Runny eggs. Bloody meats.

     Beat.

White people want to be ethnic. They tan till they skin be leathery, use Botox so they won’t age. Kylie Jenner’s lips. Black don’t crack! Dreading their hair. Kaitlyn Jenner…

     Beat.

They kiss their pets on the lips…hell, they’ll do ANYTHING to a damn pet! Shit, they’ll MARRY their damn pet! Wear their pets in harnesses across they chests like they do to they own damn childrun. Doggy bag. Dead give-away.

     Beat.

White people have real snacks in their household, not just arroz. All the things they do, But I is the one sent to this here Cuckoo’s Nest…

 

     LA NEGRITA

Oh God! #BigSean. What have the whites done this time??!!

 

     KIKI

Oppress me of course. What else are they good at besides slavery?

 

     LA NEGRITA

Menina, what did they do to you??!!

 

     KIKI

They slit my wrists. Made me write “nigger” in blood a thousand times. Off the wall #MichealJackson. Then had the AUDACITY to send ME to a MENTAL WARD!!! (starts spazzing the fuck off. Trying to remove the chains to no avail. Security guard snicker.)

 

     LA NEGRITA

(says to audience.) Menina, whites are cruel, bitter and oppressive by nature. It is in their genetic make-up. But, the whites must be provoked. What did you do? Did you make eye contact without their permission??!!

 

     KIKI

After they made me write “nigger” in blood a thousand times, they then forced me to write a paper about how great it is to be white. (turns to audience.) My paper was short, like the white man’s dick. (spits out glaring at security guards.)

 

     LA NEGRITA

How did this begin?

 

     KIKI

I choked a white bitch.

 

     LA NEGRITA

KIKI!!! (gasps)

 

     KIKI

She called me a “nigger”! They straight trying to regulate a regulator!

 

     LA NEGRITA

(says to audience.) Menina, that is what we are! Nothing MORE, nothing LESS! White is right! It even rhymes, so I know that statement is factual!

     Beat.

White people are our savior. They are our supremacists. We are below them in every shape, way and form. To be pasty, pale, and featureless is to be beautiful. To be flat chested is to be a queen. To have a poncho-wearing white girl ass (looks back at it) is the only thing that will save us!

 

     KIKI

(directed to audience.) poncho wearin titty lackin blonde ass pussy bitch. I’m at the point where I don't even dislike it. bitches like that make bitches like us look better so let em starve till they hipbones pop, they doin us a favor.

     Beat.

White girls are like cardboards…no ass or titties. For the few that have asses, they mixed. The ones with titties either stuff they bra or its saggy. LONG TITTY NO NIPPLE BITCH!

    Beat.

White girls only have two outfit choices. Yoga pants, Uggs and a Northface jacket in the winter…and a skimpy tank top with the same short shorts they have worn since the summer of our lives. (Shakes her head at LA NEGRITA who is dressed exactly as such.)

 

     LA NEGRITA

KIKI, why couldn’t you just be grateful enough that the whites let us go to college. We started from the bottom now we hea. We started from the bottom, now my whole fuckin team hea.

 

     KIKI

Bitch, where??!! Where is we???!! We started at the bottom… WE STILL AT THE FUCKIN BOTTOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! College, menina? You call this college? Nigga, I’m not even allowed in the lunch line!

     Beat.

This aint college menina, this is flight school!

   

     LA NEGRITA

I’m tired of yo ratchet ass, why you gotta stir up trouble??!!

 

     KIKI

Stir up trouble? Bitch, a white nigga calls me a “nigger”. So I call her one back. Next thing I know I’m in a headlock being buttfucked by the police. Slittin mah wrists. Making me write a short dick “nigger” essays in mah blood. So I’m mad and start tweeting and bleeding on my IPHONE talking about I wanna go to a shooting range. Next thing I know the fucking president of the Kim Kanye Kevin University wanna come at me talking about my Creole ass poses as a THREAT to the INSTITUTION OF WHITENESS. Talking about Imma shoot up the school.

 

     LA NEGRITA

And take on the whites? That’s crazy! It’s never been done!

 

     KIKI

My sentiments exactly my Negress friend.

     Beat.

White niggas be the only niggas crazy enough to shoot up a school and shit! With black niggas, they just shoot you “Bang, bang” you dead. But no, white niggas got all kinds of fucked up shit wrong with them. Going to elementary schools killing babies. Going to the movies, killing couples. Taking niggas hostage, torturing them. Cutting their limbs. Eating it. Masturbating on dead bodies… (looks at nigga rollin up in on hospital bed.)

 

Yo Negrita, is that your brother.

 

     LA NEGRITA

ESAU!?

 

     ESAU

Nina?!

 

     LA NEGRITA

What are you doing here??

   

     ESAU

(says to audience.) I’ve been oppressed!

 

     KIKI

#same. What the whites do to you?

 

     ESAU

Valentine’s Day… chillin. In the Bean with my niggas and shit. We poppin bottles. Poppin pussy. I was on these white bitches like Seal nigga. So this white nigga approached me. I says, “Oh that was yo girl? I thought I recognized her.” To which he responded, “nigger”. So I choked that nigga! Why do these white niggas think they can ball, dance, jump, fight, fuck, RAP. THEY AINT SHIT NIGGA!

   

     KIKI

You know what? FUCK Seal Nigga! What the fuck he talking about, “You became my light on the dark side of me…” Kiss by a Rose type shit…Nigga EVERYSIDE OF YOU IS DARK! YOU IS BLACK AS ALL HALE!!!

 

     LA NEGRITA

They named him “Seal” because he be black as ALL hale.

 

     ESAU

(starts “cheffin”- dance move.) All these snow bunnies want me cuz they got that BDV!

 

     LA NEGRITA

BDV?

   

     ESAU

Black Dick Vision!

   

     KIKI

You heard what they did to my boy Jose right?

 

     ESAU

No bro, que paso!?

 

     KIKI

They Trayvoned his ass!

 

     ESAU

(gasps.)

 

     LA NEGRITA

“They”?

 

     KIKI

White people La Negrita! When will you get that through that nappy haired head of yours! He had a fucking bag of M&Ms and a bottle of Coco Rico, and they straight SHOT that nigga.

     Beat.

The police just be shooting EVERYBODY!

 

     ESAU

He wasn’t ready! Hold up, Whoa derrr! #BigSean. MONICA VANE?! (VANE is being rolled in a stretcher.)

 

LA NEGRITA​	KIKI
Manita?!	Menina?

 

     VANE

I heard bands so I wanted to dance.

 

     LA NEGRITA

Manita, what are you doing here? You are all tied up!

 

     KIKI

No shit Einstein.

  

VANE	ESAU
KIKI, what are you doing here?	VANE, what are you doing here?

 

     VANE

I’ve been oppressed!

 

     KIKI

Haven’t we all, my friend.

 

     LA NEGRITA

What happened to you?

 

     VANE

I was at the movie theatre, With my date. Trying to live my life to the fullest and have a Black Movie Tuesday.

 

     KIKI

With your date?

 

     VANE

My date! I met him on Blackpeoplemeet.com. He is kind, gentle and colored and has all the breaks to handle my curves girl! (makes car breaking gesture.)

 

     KIKI

Oh yes, here here.

 

     VANE

So, we go to the snack line first, trying to get snacks. And this nigga talking about the theatre closing soon, who wants free popcorn? This white devil LOOKS ME RIGHT IN THE EYES, and only gives a bag of popcorn to my date.

 

     ESAU

But he a colored!

 

     LA NEGRITA

That bastard.

 

     VANE

It gets worse. I go to line and before I could even open my full-lipped mouth, this whiteY whips out a quick, “We don’t air Black movies here”. And I say, “Cool, I didn’t want to watch Django anyways.” Next thing I know I was AMBUSHED by the police. They took their clubs and beat the shit outta me. If that wasn’t enough, they sent their police dogs after us. They could smell the nigger in my date’s blood and they attacked him as well.

 

     LA NEGRITA

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

 

     VANE

(flares eyes at Negrita) Are you surprised? White people may be many things. But kind or gentle they are not.

   

     KIKI

And what bullshit reason did they give you?

   

     VANE

I was dressed like a gypsy (points to flowy Grecan dress) and they fuckin attacked me.

 

     KIKI

But you look like Aphrodite, reincarnated, and brought to earth to show these hip-poppin, toilet-cloggin, Snookie-works-out-too-much bitches, what real women are actually supposed to look like! #Dove

 

     VANE

Like, what the fuck. Biologically, women that look like us, With bodies like ours, are supposed to be favored! But no, instead they condemn us. They ruin our interracial dates, and instead send dogs to attack me.

 

     LA NEGRITA

Why? But why manita? Why do these people do such things?

 

     VANE

Because this isn’t fuckin Oz La Negrita. This is a Cole fuckin world, no snuggy. They beat me, sent me here and said under the circumstances I should understand.

 

     ESAU

What circumstances?

 

     VANE

The fact there was a shooting at another movie theatre.

   

     LA NEGRITA

And who was responsible for that shooting?

 

     VANE

The whites of course!

     Beat.

When the police officer was done beating me, he said I have the perfect body, for the wrong century.

     Beat.

Whatever, I’m too hot.com for these bitches anyways. (does Amazonian warrior scream, throws signs in the air, and falls backward onto hospital bed.)

 

(Boukie is wheeled in by a stretcher as well and placed on hospital bed, by guards.)

 

MACHINE GUN KIKI	LA NEGRITA
BOUKIE!	BOO!

 

     BOUKIE

(looks around.) MACHING GUN KIKI? ESAU? VANE!? QUE,QUE? TOMA REAGEATON!!!

 

     VANE

Manita, what are you doing here?

 

     BOUKIE

What are y’all doing here??

 

     ESAU

It has been a night of oppression.

 

     LA NEGRITA

Boo, what happened?

 

     BOUKIE

Speedin’ #Omarion

 

     ESAU

Well, manita, how fast were you going?

 

     BOUKIE

You know. Going 26 in a 25 mile per hour lane.

 

     LA NEGRITA

One mile above the speed limit?!?!

 

     MACHINE GUN KIKI

Good job, menina, you can count. (sarcasm.)

 

     BOUKIE

Can’t I just tell niggas I wasn’t speeding? I was auditioning for a Fast and Furious movie? (kisses helmet and raises it to the sky) R.I.P. Paul Walker.

 

(extended silence. Cast looks at her.)

   

     BOUKIE

Too soon?

 

     MACHINE GUN KIKI

(Changes subject.) Bitch, this is 2015! You think they ever let no coloreds grace a TV screen?

 

     LA NEGRITA

What about the Boondocks?

 

     MACHINE GUN KIKI

You dumb bitch, that’s a cartoon!

 

(Flaming Fillipe gets wheeled in.)

 

     BOUKIE

Fillipe?!?!

 

     FLAMING FILLIPE

(looks at them one by one.) LA NEGRITA? ESAU? MACHINE GUN KIKI? VANE. BOUKIE? What are y’all doing here?

 

     VANE

Us?

     Beat.

What are you doing here?!?!

 

     FLAMING FILLIPE

Honey look at me. (cast looks at him adorned in pink princess tiara, pink nails and pink fur coat.)

     Beat.

Honey, I just been Oscar Wilded.

 

     LA NEGRITA

I don’t get it. White people can’t bet that bad. I mean, they have it all, nice cars, names you can pronounce. Summers of their lives. Dinners at restaurants e’rynight. They never face discrimination. they don’t have clingy friends that don’t pick up on social cues…

 

     FLAMING

White people are irrelevant La Negrita! They wear shorts and flip flops to shovel during Juno for heaven’s fuck! White people drink coffee, no milk…They get traumatized over divorce, read their younger siblings bedtime stories, get dates to dances, can’t pronounce anything not English, say your name wrong…

     Beat.

They insist you have a fatass no matter how mediocre the ass is. They partake in YOLO sports such as underwater kisses; jogging during blizzards. White people want to die. It’s their white guilt! They want to experience a struggle so they sabotage their own inherent advantages…

     Beat.

They hold onto limbs that they need to amputate… They name their kids after states…Adopt babies from Africa…White people do not cook and aren’t always there when you call, but are always on time…

     Beat.

White people go through soda like its water… Polar Beverages.

     Beat.

White people have nice cars, which they don’t utilize if a destination is in walking distance. They drop $200 to buy drugs, when they could just be buying weave…White people love hockey too much. I just don’t get it.

 

(enters NURSE RATCHET)

 

     NURSE RATCHET

Well hello. Welcome to the Institute of Achievement for Colored--- Ritards. My name is Nurse Ratched, pronounced Ratchet, as in (point to member of audience.) “Fix yo weave! You look Ratchet”. And it seems as though 1 (points at KIKI), 2 (points at ESAU), 3 (points at VANE), 4. (points at BOUKIE) 5. (points and FLAMING) have flown over the cuckoo’s nest. (starts hysterically laughing squeezing syringe.) Now face down, ass up, shawty! I’ll be yo medicine this evening.

 

(ESAU and VANE look to each other terrified. KIKI starts banging her fists against the bed angrily, never breaking eye contact with La Negrita the whole time. )

 

     LA NEGRITA

Okay, this is just not fair. I ain't Winona Ryder, you ain't Angelina Jolie.

   

     MACHING GUN KIKI

(begins these blood churdling screams.)

 

     VANE

(looks to LA NEGRITA) Girl, you just been interrupted.  

   

     LA NEGRITA

What are you going to do? What are you all going to do?!

 

     VANE

Escape of course!

 

     NURSE RATCHET

Nigga, aint NOBODY got time for that. Y’all will be lucky if you even get discharged.

     Beat.

Now hurry it along Negress, visiting hours are just about over. (snaps finger.) We’ll have a security guard escort you out.

 

(Security guard (FRANKIE) approaches LA NEGRITA and escorts her off stage. blackout