Chipped Labour

Memo

From: The Committee of the Enrichment Program on behalf of the Board of Directors of FinSchark Global Corp.

To: Selected Tiers 1 and 2 Members only

Subject: Personalize your Enhanced Capabilities

Warning: Do NOT delegate

Time needed for completion:
This survey needs to be completed within 30 minutes of your opening this e-mail. No excuses will be accepted (even if you opened it during your ski practice, or before a client meeting, or dinner with your clandestine girlfriend). If you can’t read, evaluate, or make decisions fast enough, then you’ve got no place in our organization.

Explanation of levels:
In every category there are three levels: a, b or c in an increasing order of complexity. The examples given are for illustrative purposes only, and should not be interpreted empirically. Every individual will react differently to the attempt to improve his/her capabilities.

How to proceed:
You need to tick at least one choice in the entire survey. In the rare event that you refuse this free offer, because you think you already have at least one of these skills, you’ll have to undergo tests to prove it. If you fail, you’ll have to hand in your resignation immediately.

You can tick only one choice in each of the five options. Prioritize your choices, as there will be a gap of 3 months between each surgical procedure.

Date:
The date that will be given for your medical procedure is mandatory. Don’t worry, for all operations are scheduled for Friday evenings. Exceptionally, you can take time off, and you will not be required to reply to your e-mails that particular week-end. In any case, you won’t have access to any phones or electronic devices at the clinic. You will be transferred under anaesthesia to your office premises on Monday morning, whereby you can start testing your new skills immediately.

Venue:
You’ll have to come alone to our nursing station in the parking of -7. You’ll be safely anaesthetized and taken to our private clinic.

Confidentiality:
You are not allowed to discuss this survey or your choice(s) with anyone else, neither before nor after the expansion of your skills. See additional T&Cs below.

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Abilities Enhancement Implant Program Questionnaire

The following questionnaire was sent to be filled in by Tiers 1 and 2 employees: You would like your semi-organic implant to:

1/ Add to your physical prowess, so you’ll
a/ feel an uncontrollable urge to jog for five miles starting at five am for the rest of your life,
b/ perfect your golfing skills by building muscles and losing weight by interacting with our specially designed robotic bicycles,
c/ be able to outrun your lean, mean, and mad boss, when you’ve missed a deadline.

2/ Improve the functioning of your brain waves, so
a/ your mushy cranium doesn’t feel like it’s beaten black or blue by juggling new glitches in the ever changing software.
b/ you can guess your rival’s game plan long before they even think about it themselves,
c/ you’re the first to pick out the golden opportunities (i.e. max rewards for min input) in your field.

3/ Increase your intelligence, so you will be able to
a/ devise new ways of cutting your annual tribute to the State Treasury,
b/ bootstrap collective intelligence via machines to add value to the virtual asset management instruments you create for our international corporation, that only you can understand and manipulate,
c/ play at least four score times twenty moves during a meeting, simply by focusing on our special b&w board in your mind’s eye.

4/ Boost your emotional intelligence (for men only), so you will
a/ know how to sweeten your supervisor’s tooth with a certain brand of expensive chocolate (that you’ve ordered from abroad), so he/she can get his ‘high’ (more powerful than ‘coke’) only from you.
b/ be able to harness the power of the Internet to generate your most effective presentations and articles in the minimum amount of time possible, with the most outrageously funny and interesting concepts.
c/ be able to talk your way out of all the delays caused in Project X due to your inability to choose between three different shades of grey to wear every day.

5/ Enrich your personal power, so you can
a/ hypnotize your (potential) clients into buying all your defective goods or overstock at premium prices,
b/ charm your staff to legally consent to doing seven days’ work in five, and to be grateful for not receiving any bonuses,
c/ dispense with lawyers, as you’ll never ever feel guilty about any of your machinations in our corpus or beyond.

6/ For creators including (software) designers only
a/ increase your ability to design yourself into your structures
b/ design your creations unconsciously.
c/ design systems that are conscious of themselves.

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Terms & Conditions
Disclaimer:
This survey is meant for developing a project in future. Any members of Tiers 1 and 2 who consent to a semi-organic implant automatically forfeit their right to sue us. This document is confidential, and may not be shared with anyone, including members of the press. Any breach of confidence can result in a lawsuit, which could involve heavy monetary damages, including the risk to the reputation of the defendant. This project has been initiated with the consent of, and partly underwritten by the National Committee of Future Economics.

Malfunction:
Dr Medu Zagorghoney’s Private Clinic is not responsible for any supposed anomaly, and bears no responsibility for the failure of the procedure. Any individual can have just three operations in the same category. If no improvement is noticed, then that individual is required to hand in his/her notice within 2 weeks of the third operation.

Secondary Effects:
In case the side effects are positive, the individual should not expect any bonuses. Any negative consequences can be dealt with in our specialized clinic at the expense of the complainant.

Use of your Super Abilities:
You should never make the heightening of your powers obvious or visible. Just pretend to be your normal self, whilst going about your business. All violations will result in the removal of the micro-chip, with no time off given for withdrawal effects.

- End of Memo -