Chipped Labour

Conclusion

In the case of Mr Porgros, it’s clear that the program is a huge success, given his age. He can now run 2.5 miles non-stop. Inexplicably, he has given up smoking, all fizzy drinks, and beer of his own volition. For the first time in his life he’s started to enjoy wines of all colours. He can climb seven floors in half the time than before. The side effects of becoming allergic to jellies, hotel pillows, and the plastic of keyboards are inconsequential. It’s strongly recommended that a secretary be assigned to him for all admin tasks which require typing. His allergies of a highly personal nature cannot be included here, as they are beyond the scope of this report. The side-effect of whistling Soul from the Sixties could have a slightly adverse effect on his job. Chief Nurse Sickle’s complaints should not be taken into account, as she refuses to wear the ear-plugs kindly provided to her for free by the company. However, the medical team is working hard to overcome this problem.

In the case of Mr Januzsh, it’s clear that he needs our help, and it would benefit our house if he had gotten at least the intelligent boost.

Despite being female, Ms Persimmon could benefit by the development of her EQ.

Ms Kirkey has shown a slight improvement in her golf playing skills. With further augmentations, she could be the winner next year. Though what effect SuperMeduZagChip would have on her foretelling skills cannot be predicted with accuracy. Would the loss of her prognosticating capabilities, be more detrimental to us than her winning the Golf Cup? The decision is on hold until deeper research of her brain yields further results.

In the meantime, her request for an office on the top floor should be taken seriously, as she’s prone to make more accurate, and less obtuse pronouncements when closer to the sky. Her skills will be crucial to roping in absconding employees. The future development of investment instruments depends on her insights. Since Ms Tahomey is improving rapidly at deciphering her rhymes, it would serve the interests of the firm to place her office next to our resident seer. Since the latter has received many other job offers, it would be best to grant her a promotion, related bonus, and pay rise asap. In view of her decrypting talents, and the extra duties performed by the Head of Risk Assessment, a bonus would not be amiss in this case. Specially as all these situations are of such a sensitive nature.

In Mr Warren’s case, our firm’s losses outweigh the gains 10 to 1. However, please see our comments under ‘Future Plans.’

After Mr Dandelyon took over, he had to be told the truth behind Mr Warren’s new-found genius. Though he is eager to receive a graft, Mr Dandelion’s enthusiasm is working against him. Will he turn out to be another whizz kid with criminal inclinations? On the other hand, we need this new fund software. His request has been put on hold until the next Board meeting.

***

‘AWOL’ Employees – Rough Notes

All our investigations are ongoing. Once caught, the three criminals below will be charged with stealing sensitive data and obstruction of operations with deliberate intent to sabotage and malign our establishment’s reputation.

Ms Trollopescht received a heightening of her personal powers. On the one hand, it’s debatable if she needed it, on the other, it’s impossible to determine if it worked, since her exact whereabouts are unknown.

It’s obvious that Ms Heka Tesecateur can be accused of unfair practices in a court of law, once we can prove that she took our clients. She wouldn’t have had access to them if she hadn’t worked here. Too bad there’s no bricks and mortar address on the website of HedgeYourFundBets.com so we can’t visit her in person and determine whether she is indeed Dr Hilder-Tangent? So far, she has refused all meetings with anyone who isn’t referred to her by an existing client. But we’re working on it.

Did Mr Merkuriout really need the SuperMeduZagChip? Or did he have criminal tendencies all along? Apparently he planned his sabotage before he got our implant. So in this case, our loss is the biggest one.

Efforts are continuing to apprehend Mr Merkuriout, Ms Heka Tesecateur, and Ms Trollopescht in order to investigate the effects of their implants. However, a budget of £0.25m should be allocated if we are to reel them in again.

***

Executive Summary

Despite the benefits, the risk factor of continuing is 7.5/10. The improvement of physical prowess can be continued to be practiced. In fact, Mr Cahute has volunteered to be our next guinea pig. Being near retirement, he’d like to work for five more years, if he gets a long-term burst of energy. Therefore, he’d like to receive the SuperMeduZagChips for enhancing both his physical and mental prowess.

In fact, we strongly recommend that his wishes are granted. In view of the extra services he has provided over the years, specially during peak months, and after hour parties, he is an indispensable talent. Given the fact that he is privy to a lot of comings and goings, his insights are often invaluable (except in the two cases cited above).

The intelligence boost should be given to those of lower or average IQ only. Emotional Intelligence implants should be decided on a case by case basis.

From now on, all staff should be given a choice to opt out. All cases should be approved by an Enrichment Council, composed of three advisers, which should include a medical practitioner, a member of the Management Committee, and someone who has undergone the process. Dr Medu Zagorghoney, Ms Tahomey, a member of the above committee, and Mr Porgros, who has increased his physical prowess due to our program, qualify amply for seats in this Council.

The following should be discontinued, until such time as we can find a way of ensuring that the results will benefit the corporation, and not the receiver:
2/ Enhance your brain waves;
5/ Enrich your personal power;
6/ For creators including (software) designers only.

***

Future Plans and Proposals

Since Warren’s FinNet has been approved by the National Supervisory Authority of Asset Management, this latest Financial Instruments System should be reviewed, re-drafted and rejuvenated. This can be done by offering our gifts to three carefully selected professionals who could re-build a similar mechanism, based on the previous one. Outside agencies won’t know the difference. Thus, in the long-term we can continue to benefit by our initial investment in Mr Warren’s progress. Due to the extremely sensitive nature of this special project, the selection process of potential candidates, and the medical procedure will involve an initial amount of a minimum of £0.25m.

Ms Sauer-Essig Head of HR has made a formal demand for obtaining telepathic skills, which is impossible for us at fulfil at present. Mr Krawley of Building and Infrastructure wanted to gain the power of telekinesis, so that he can move heavy objects around, using the power of his mind alone. Therefore, it’s worth considering the development of these abilities in future.

An endowment of £0.5m approximately is required for the development of the prototype of the SuperMeduZagChip. Exclusive rights of usage will be given to FinSchark Corp. for 1 year, provided the corporation can provide a minimum of three candidates under 50, with no disabilities, for the testing phase.

In order to do damage control, and to find the current locations and intentions of Mr Merkuriout, Ms Heka Tesecateur, and Ms Trollopescht, an initial amount of £0.5m is necessary. Once their cooperation is obtained, we can begin to evaluate the extent of their improvements, which is crucial to the success of our project.

Extra security is needed at all levels in order to keep our unique medical procedure confidential from the interfering competition, the unduly inquisitive press, and intrusive government agencies. This can be achieved for a mere £0.25m per quarter by Sharp Ghost Securities Pvt. Ltd. Additionally, interference in the implants of our AWOL employees can’t be ruled out. If we want to further investigate this subtle sabotage of these implants, we have bracketed that budget to between £0.35m to £0.45m. This is a rough estimate, and costs could increase upto about 50% depending on the length and complexity of this super-secret investigation.

An additional backing of £1.5m is required to upgrade our current SuperMeduZagChips for Points 2, 5, and 6. This should be categorized as long-term investment in HR. It would give our corporation’s employees the extra edge they need to compete in the increasingly fierce climate of asset management.

The program can be modified, but should be continued if we are to remain competitive in the current global market.

- End of Report –