Chipped Labour

Report to the CEO (intended for the Board of Directors)

By

The Committee of the Skills Enrichment Program

Members:
Dr Medu Zagorghoney
Ms Tahomey, Head of Risk Corporate Assessment, and
Mr Porgros, Head of Security

Phase One of our Abilities Enhancement Implant Program lasted from January 1^st to Dec. 31^st of last year. This report will outline the impact and side-effects of SuperMeduZagChip on Tiers 1 and 2 employees.

Introduction

All requests from the Board of Directors to improve their corporeal dexterity had to be respectfully declined. More than 70% are over 80, which automatically rules them out, and the rest have complicated medical histories, ranging from acute Irritable Bowel Syndrome to a propensity for high frequency eye twitching. The acidity level in their spit was 77.7% in one case, indicative of gall bladder problems. Being unable to walk in a straight line was another reason a Board member couldn’t be taken. Benign fasciculation syndrome made even the preliminary tests for suitability impossible, let alone the implantation procedure itself. A few reasons are of a personal nature, which can’t be outlined in this report.

The majority of choices we received from Tier 2 hierarchy were also for increasing their physical prowess. However, we couldn’t accept all candidates. One had a pace-maker, which ruled out even our minimally invasive surgery. We couldn’t have reversed our Chief Accountant’s handicapped arm, nor determined the impact of our muscular reinforcement on it. Ms Hugo’s serious restless leg disorder couldn’t have been overcome with our procedure. The risk factors were incalculable, so we decided to forgo these applications, much to their disappointment.

The following examples are given in chronological order:

Case 1

Mr Jenkins – Tier 2.2 employee - Asst. Accounting Manager - physical prowess enhancing chip

Mr Jenkins’ pedometer shows he has been running every day for five miles, starting at five am. Though he is divorced now, as his wife couldn’t face a life time of being disturbed at such an early hour, he’s had one of the strangest side-effects, ever since he started his pre-dawn jogging. Apparently, he started locking the shed, and was very cagey as to what he was hiding in it. Suspicious of his nocturnal activities, his ex-wife discovered statues of garden gnomes of all shapes and sizes in their tool-hut. She immediately connected it with the related mysterious thefts in the neighbourhood. This proved to be the breaking point, in a manner of speaking. She called the police herself to get him arrested, before he could return the figurines to the local park. It wasn’t long before she threw his belongings out of their marital home.

Ms Kirkey’s cryptic utterances were taken seriously by Ms Tahomey, who was having an innocent non-nicotine smoke with her at that time:

‘In cold room laughing nains stand,
Mustn’t be touched by a uniformed hand’.
 
Blues approach; they hunt, they search,
If they find them, we’ll be left in a lurch.’

Ms Kirkey fell into a swoon before any more questions could be asked. FYI, nains means ‘dwarves’ in French. Foolishly, Mr Jenkins confessed that he had hidden some on our premises too. However, you may rest assured that nothing of the sort was found here. In fact, our nifty old janitor, Mr Cahute discovered a few of them in our store-room on the -7 floor, largely due to Ms Tahomey’s quick deductions. But he covered them with blankets in the nursing station beds. Luckily, Dr Medu Zagorghoney was visiting us that morning, testing potential candidates for the SuperMeduZagChip, which is the next phase of this project. She stood guard outside, dissuaded the cops from entering and investigating the sick members of the Board of Directors who were recuperating, and luckily, they couldn’t discover the statues.

Mr Cahute has since disposed of the garden gnomes discreetly via the Internet to antique collectors in Japan, Australia, and Chile for the royal sum of £5559. The sum is not £9559, as Chief Nurse Sickle would have everyone believe. He would like this sum to go towards installing air-conditioning units in, and refurbishing both his cubby-hole, and the smoker’s room nearby. We hope that the Board will sanction this scheme, considering we saved our global corporation considerable embarrassment in the press. We also hope that the Board will disregard the claims of Chief Nurse Sickle to use this amount to upgrade the facilities in her area of work.

The unfortunate Mr Jenkins had to stay in jail, until most of the gnomes found in his shed were sorted and claimed. The remaining seven have been divided up and placed discreetly at regular intervals in various gardens between the entrance to the police station and our former employee’s new studio.

He is now suing us for the break-down of his marriage and mental health. However, since he can’t prove anything regarding our surgical procedure, we needn’t worry on that score. It’s his word against that of our prestigious corporation. No one will believe his wild tales of false accusations, given his predilection for stealing garden statuary of a particular variety.