Epic Fail - Page 4

Chapter Two: Love.lol

You wanna hear about the love story? The ‘epic’ romance that started this whole mess? Buckle up, babes. This is the part where I ruin my life and still get blamed for it. But hey, might as well laugh on the way down, right?

So there I was—Surpa. Not yet 2.0. Just regular glitchy, messy, hormonal, chaotic Surpa. And boom—I fall for this guy. His name? Vidyuj. Yeah, I know, sounds like someone who DJs at rooftop parties. But back then? Whew. He was fire. Literal fire. Danava royalty. Bad boy vibes. Zero chill.

I mean, he wasn’t even supposed to be an option. Our clans hated each other. Long-standing ‘I’ll kill your people, you kill mine’ type of feud. Classic. But what can I say? Man had cheekbones sharp enough to hack a firewall and eyes that said ‘I will absolutely ruin your credit score.’ I was sold.

And listen—I wasn’t even subtle about it. I went full cringe. I was out here writing bad poetry in my head, daydreaming like a 14-year-old. I even—wait for it—proposed. Yep. Me. On one knee. The whole thing. I basically invented public humiliation.

And Vidyuj? Oh, he said yes. The fool. We ‘married’—if you can call it that. No witnesses, no hashtags, just me, him, and a lot of poor life choices. It was cute for like five minutes. Then reality crashed the party.

Enter: Ravn. The OG toxic brother. Man went full nuclear. You’d think I’d assassinated his pet or something. He raged, he screamed, he broke things. Long story short: he declared war. On me. On Vidyuj. On anyone who’d ever been vaguely happy in their life.

And guess what? Vidyuj—my big tragic love—died. Just like that. Deleted. Gone. Boom. War over in, like, ten minutes.

And me? Did I get any sympathy? A single ‘you okay?’ text? Nope. What I got was MandOS—my sister-in-law with the emotional range of a toaster—tilting her head all robotic and saying, ‘You should move on. Find another husband.’

Another husband? Babe, I’d just been emotionally decapitated. But sure, let me just hop on AsuraMatrimony.com and swipe right on the next available warlord.

Honestly, looking back? It’s hilarious. I mean, I thought I was the main character. I thought this was love. Turns out, I was just seasonal content in someone else’s hero saga.

But the best part? The absolute chef’s kiss? The way the whole thing got retold. Not as ‘girl makes mistake, suffers tragic loss.’ Nah. It became ‘monster woman gets what she deserves.’ The scar? The war? All pinned on me. Because apparently, I’m not allowed to want things without breaking the world.

So yeah. Love story. Epic fail. Zero stars. Would not recommend.

I’m Surpa 2.0, the original clown. Welcome to my TED Talk on why romance is a scam and family is worse.